Bye, Mom

It's difficult for me to reconcile her grief at the loss of her mother with the horrific abuse her parents inflicted on her. (Mostly her father, to be fair, but with the full knowledge and consent of her mother.)

https://aella.substack.com/p/the-joy-is-not-optional

Halfway through I realized where this is going. Could not hold the tears. These are tough choices. My parents are alive, getting older. My dad has fairly serious mental health issues. Life has never been easy in a very dysfunctional family. I stayed away from family for many years. Now, I am 41 and these last few years, I have started to realize that I may not have much time with them.

We are busy people but no matter how we try, we cannot bring people back. We cannot make some things different. I think about that a lot. Even coming from a family of abuse and trauma that needed a decade of counseling and healing, I still feel sad they may not be there much longer.

Thank you for a reminder. Thank you for sharing your personal story.

> 66

That's my age. If I read the rest of that blog maybe it would tell me what brought her to this brink.

My mother was in her late 60s when we were called down to Niceville, Florida when her end was near. This was 1995. Her pancreatic cancer had been confirmed by biopsy only days before, but she was already deeply in liver failure. She didn't want to die in a hospital, but hurricane Opal was bearing down as we arrived, so we all had to bundle ourselves in the cars and crawl up to Crestview to weather the storm at the hospital there. The condo survived with only minor damage so this may have been a mistake. We did get her back to watch the dolphins on Boggy Bayou before the end; I hope she was able to see them.

I am sorry for your loss, Aella. I sobbed with you.

“Each passing minute is a greater percentage of the final minutes we have,” and yet “these [final] seconds are so soft”.

Death needs to die, some future dying day, not yet.

from everyone who’s had a mom, we join you: “Momma, I love you”.

Thanks for writing and sharing this beautifully written, tear-inducing account of a last good-bye.

There's one element that is missing from the story, namely what the consequences of the mother's religious belief system means for how the story continues from the mother's own view (a new beginning) versus the daughter's atheist view (the end of the person, full stop).

Happy Third Advent to those that celebrate it!

This reads familiar. My dad died in a similar way at 55, but I didn’t think to ask for a private moment to thank him and say goodbye.

Thanks for sharing what must be difficult to share.

Incredibly well written and powerful post, I teared up.

Fellow Boisian, this hit hard.

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Odd choice for a Hacker News article.

Shes kind of an e-girl so I guess it makes sense in a way.

Well written article!