> I've never really got it and I just switched to thinking of QKV as a way to construct a fairly general series of linear algebra transformations on the input of a sequence of token embedding vectors x that is quadratic in x and ensures that every token can relate to every other token in the NxN attention matrix.

That's because what you say here is the correct understanding. The lookup thing is nonsense.

The terms "Query" and "Value" are largely arbitrary and meaningless in practice, look at how to implement this in PyTorch and you'll see these are just weight matrices that implement a projection of sorts, and self-attention is always just self_attention(x, x, x) or self_attention(x, x, y) in some cases (e.g. cross-attention), where x and y are are outputs from previous layers.

Plus with different forms of attention, e.g. merged attention, and the research into why / how attention mechanisms might actually be working, the whole "they are motivated by key-value stores" thing starts to look really bogus. Really it is that the attention layer allows for modeling correlations/similarities and/or multiplicative interactions among a dimension-reduced representation. EDIT: Or, as you say, it can be regarded as kernel smoothing.