They hired Boris on a Tuesday because HR misread “Kubernetes” as “knits sweaters.”

Day 1: Manager: “So… what do you work on?” Boris (staring into middle distance): “I improve latency.” Everyone nods. No one knows whose.

Week 2, Boris replaces the build pipeline with something called *Hyper-Schrödinger-CI*. It both passes and fails until observed. QA quits.

Week 5: PM: “Why is the app faster?” Boris: “I removed time.” PM: “From… the app?” Boris: “From the concept.”

Graphs go up. Metrics look illegal. AWS bill drops to negative dollars. Finance sends an email asking if Boris is laundering compute.

Standup becomes surreal. Engineer: “What did you do yesterday?” Boris: “Refactored causality.” Scrum Master: “Blocked on anything?” Boris: “Yes. Reality.”

No one dares touch his code. It’s just one file named `truth.go` with no comments and perfect indentation.

Then one day, customers vanish. Revenue hits zero. The system is too optimized. It no longer needs users.

Company goes bankrupt. Boris is unfazed. As he leaves, he turns back: “I warned you. I optimize endgames.”

The repo still compiles. No one knows why.