alt Hacker NewsAsk HN: How to be alone?
For the first time in my life, at 38, I'm alone. When I was 18 I basically moved out of my parents' straight in with my highschool sweetheart, and we were together ever since. That chapter of my life is over now, and I'm finding the adjustment very difficult.
There are a few parts to the difficulty. One is that when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. I hang out in an IRC chatroom for that, but sometimes nobody's around for hours.
Another is that weekends are hard. I used to be in a house filled with life each weekend, and now it's me and my dog (and my cat, when he decides to grace me with his presence). Having animals helps somewhat, but it's still hard simply being alone with myself for ~60 hours.
I'm also finding it difficult to think of things to do. My default action is to play games, but it feels empty, both because I used to be able to play games alongside someone else and because I have no one to share the cool moments with.
I understand that many of you find alone-ness to be natural, and even required. All I can say is that I haven't ever lived that way. I sometimes panic when it's been too long since I've seen another person.
There are the usual suggestions: go to the dog park more often, pick something and build it, read books, hop on dating sites, find a hobby, and so on. But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that. I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
I work remote, and that's currently my main way to gratify social cravings. But it's not a consistent way, since the time zone difference is quite large (I'm -7 hours vs them).
Everything feels hollow now. That's the main thing that's hard to adjust to. I was hoping for some psychological tricks to deal with that, or just to hear stories from other people who have had to undergo similar situations. In many ways it feels like being imprisoned, except at least in prison there are other inmates to socialize with. "Solitary confinement with internet" is probably a better analogy.
I was hoping to hear from anyone in the community who's transitioned from a family dynamic to being on your own, and to learn from any lessons you've picked up along the way. Or just to hear some stories in general about your experiences. Thanks.
Comments
> "Solitary confinement with internet" is a lit better than being in prison. Not sure I’d like the company there.
A few things that have helped me in the past are: - Find small wins. Don't expect big changes immediately. Small wins accumulate over time. Examples: say hi to neighbors, go to a gym, work from a coffee shop etc. - Join a coworking space. This was a huge help personally. It still took more than a few months but this changed my life.
Hope these help a bit!
Maybe not specific advice for your situation but I've always found this poem moving and valuable when it comes to building comfort in being alone. I hope it helps you too https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs?si=LwCMyP0L2vsllHJl
Volunteering is a good way to get out of the house and meet people, while helping others at the same time.
Are you an IT person? In my experience charities are desparate for IT related help:
https://successfulsoftware.net/2018/02/04/volunteering-your-...
I wish you luck.
Join Discord servers of your favorite games and join social servers, build/play with the same folks. It can be like playing in a local band (also a great way to socialize and find purpose).
Living alone sucks. The transition period after a long relationship ends also sucks. No amount of advice from anyone can fill that void for you. Having said that, you have to at least give yourself a chance to go out there and stay in the real-world as much as possible. Some ways to do that would be to just walk around your city/locality/town aimlessly every day before or after your remote work time since there is no reason for you to stay at home beyond that time - have a step count goal - don't go back home until you hit that goal, treat yourselves to local food, make small talk with random strangers, get back on dating apps - meet people for fun. Staying outdoors, moving at all times or as much as possible can do wonders. Also, since you work remote, consider moving to a different place to work. Good luck.
I saw this a couple of years ago and felt that it might help you https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs?si=d1ibZfR9uKbuXpCd. Best of luck OP.
I believe it is good to learn to be on your own for a while, it helps you figure out what you really want for yourself, but most humans are social being so don't try to accept it as the new normal as this is clearly not what you want. But it sounds a bit like you ask for advice for that.
It sounds you likely want a new partner, so .. at some point go out and find one. Not a replacement, your old partner seems gone, you want a different person you want to start a new life with.
And if you don't want a different person .. then you should first get over the divorce with your last partner. Otherwise it likely won't work.
(And aside "I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizer" those things can have side effects, meaning you are stable to do your work, but are otherwise stuck emotionally. Therapy is a bit more, then taking meds)
This sounds like grief and depression to me. You're struggling because you're still mentally filtering everything you do through another person who is no longer part of your life. You must learn to do things for you, not for someone else. You may find that some things you thought you enjoyed you actually were only doing for someone else. Likewise, you may discover that what you want do purely for yourself is different from what you might expect or predict.
Time will heal some of this naturally. But the #1 recommendation I would always make to anyone in this situation is to pursue exercise. Weightlifting, hiking, etc., generate rapidly compounding results across multiple dimensions of your life and also often generate some of the most authentic social experiences you can find as a 30+ year old adult.
That's a really tough situation, but with some active work it's manageable.
Most important to remember that the feeling of loss you have for your family connection, is real, is okay. But like all things you will learn to live with it and see benefits in it if you work at it.
Nothing can replace meeting people, new (seeing people and talking to people) and familiar (family & friends).
So how does someone in your situation achieve this?
Well you've mentioned hobbies and this is your best option:
- is there a board game cafe near you? They often run social events especially DnD open nights.
- adult education classes. In person is good but online is fine..why don't you see who runs online courses? Location matters less. French, Spanish, Japanese?
- activities, these are great but need to have a connection to them. Swim clubs are great as are bouldering/climbing clubs.
My friend was in a similar situation, and what he did was just went on Meetup and Facebook and searched for groups for things that he was into. Two of those groups were white collar boxing and open mic nights. I had no idea he was lonely before. He was my friend. If you filled one day of your week with a social group in the evening and then another day of the week with another social group. And eventually you feel like you're doing enough things. And you'll end up being your friend. I only meet mine once a month outside of those, but it's still really nice. Also, if you do join any social groups, you'll find yourself going to the pub afterwards.
I think what you really need might be to make new connections. During difficult times in my personal life, what helped me most was really finding some community. I started online, on Reddit and Discord servers for Make Friends Over 30 and others (https://www.reddit.com/r/MakeFriendsOver30/). I'd highly recommend it. Also, finding things that get you out of the previous patterns you had for awhile. Gaming will be fun again another day. For now, go join a dart league or something (anything) to get around other people.
Sorry you're dealing with this. Hope things brighten up for you a bit.
It might be that you crave people in order to prove to yourself that you have people on your side. Might help to be alone for an extended period, then get together with someone afterwards to kind-of prove to your subconscious that relationships don't dissolve just because you're not constantly in contact.
How long has it been? It can’t not be hard at first. But if you try hard enough you’ll learn to be comfortable with yourself and be alone. Finding hobbies does help for sure, particularly those that involve people.
You could try yoga too, starting from scratch is a great place to begin. It’s a great tool to learn to see yourself objectively and be able to let external things affect you less. (I’ve been practicing for 10ish years and teaching for 5ish) Also yoga communities are usually great because it’s mostly people trying to actively improve themselves. But do go for the dynamic style if you try it, because it builds the mind but also the body. So even if you don’t get into the spiritual stuff, you always get a good workout.
Best of luck. Hope you can find the strength to embrace the pain and not flee or hide from it, because it truly makes us stronger.
>There are the usual suggestions: go to the dog park more often, pick something and build it, read books, hop on dating sites, find a hobby, and so on. But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that. I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
At any rate, spending most of your time alone when you're the kind of person who needs to be around people to remain sane is going to give you depression, regardless of what substances you're taking.
Also -- it's cliched but that's because it works -- are any of your hobbies physical? Exercise works better than antidepressants, and depression can be reliably predicted by tracking the user's GPS coordinates (and detecting a reduction in physical movement).
Damn this thread is a gold mine. Wishing you the best. My advice is to prioritize health and exercise and spend time outside somewhere you can run into new interesting people. build a circle
I'm used to being alone due to difficulties socializing and having moved multiple times. I will turn 31 later this year.
Short term I would suggest you going to cafes or other similar places in the weekends. Even if you end up not interacting with people, having them around already helps in itself. Plus, you might actually end up interacting with someone.
To get out of the bad mood, you can also try to call a relative on the phone, I found this to be helpful many times in the moment, but not always.
Personally, especially now that the weather is getting warm where I am, I often go out for walks or runs while listening to podcasts. But beware that using headphones all the time makes it harder to interact with others.
More long term, I would advice looking for a job where you show up in person, so that you get to interact with your coworkers.
I would also suggest talking about this with your psychiatrist, to get some advice that is more tailored to you. One last thing. While I'm not a doctor and this definitely isn't medical advice, I heard about studies showing that physical exercise is as effective as certain anti-depressants. You could discuss this with your doctor as well, as if it works for you, it has more benefits and less side effects than pills. Additionally, if you join some sport class that could be another way to meet people.
I'm 37 and can relate to this. I lived and worked in another country for a pretty long time and was forced to move back home due to layoffs. I dont really know anybody apart from my family members any longer because I was away for so long. I don't feel bad about it all the time but there are days when I too feel hollow and long for some social life. I don't have a lot of answers, traveling has helped me to connect with other travelers a bit, that's one thing.
A religion you vibe with is probably the one shot for this. In my case that's a flavor of Buddhism with strong deity practices. Atheists home about imaginary friends, but...
Making friends as an adult, especially starting from zero, is a universal struggle, so try to avoid any negative self-talk or other things that may compound your loneliness. The usual advice works, but like all advice it only works when we’re ready for it to work. I wish I could offer more than platitudes, but you sound like you have a decent self-support system already, and maybe are just temporarily lacking in confidence.
I lived with my original family the with 8 other guys in the dorm room, then two, the by myself, got married, got divorced, lived alone for few years, got (and remained) married. I went through a good amount of settings. Here is my advice but take it with a grain of salt because it is all very individual.
First of all, however this relationship ended - you cannot sweep it under the rug. You need to process the grief. If you have means at all - seek professional help.
Second, video games, social media, substances - unless you are absolutely sure you can control it - is a way to the abyss. Don’t go there.
Third, learn to appreciate the advantages of being in the state you are. When I lived alone - I traveled to some beautiful but risky places where I would not take my mate. Did some martial arts because nobody would bat an eye if I got bruised.
Fourth - decide what is right for you and think hard about the life you want to live. Any popular non fiction book is necessarily not very deep but you can start with “Designing your life”.
HTH
So I am mostly a lurker here on HN for the past 15 years but I love the community and positivity and general helpfulnesses on this thread. You all are awesome and OP thanks for being vulnerable and I hope the community keeps loving on you!
You mentioned it, but I'll go deeper: the dog park.
In reality, this applies to any third place, but we'll go with the dog park.
I've been going to my local dog park nearly every day for the almost 14 years. Over time, I've met many of the best friends and best humans that I've known in my entire life. I have a group of regulars that evolves over time, and we're all good friends now. I also regularly see acquaintances who show up less often. This has been fantastic for my mental health.
So, again, this really applies to any third place. Go to church, a lot, if that's your thing. Join a bowling club and get deeply involved. Join a climbing gym and go all the time, and strike up conversations with people. Join a martial arts organization and get seriously involved.
The keys are to socialize and to fill up your time.
Might be worth putting some focus on your physical health. That always pays dividends in every other aspect of your life.
Off the top of my head. Join a gym and just do a few machines or the treadmill. Gradually branch out into more. Get a few minutes of noon time sun on your skin. Prioritize good sleep. Walk thirty minutes a day. Start paying attention to what you eat.
Learn to be your best friend.
Understand that even though you are on medication you can still be depressed.
You just lost someone you loved. Someone who by the sounds of things was a joy to be around and share experiences with. Someone who helped give your life purpose and regulate your emotions.
A cynical way to look at it is that socialisation draws us out of our own minds and shifts our focus outwardly so we use it as an escape from our current mental state. So learn to be comfortable in your own mind.
> when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks.
As someone who lives alone, two ways I address this aspect: talk to yourself out loud and to your pets like they're people, and also write these things down in a journal. Every night after I get into bed but before I turn out the light and fall asleep, I write a journal entry. Sometimes they're quite mundane, exactly like your examples. "I cooked a steak for dinner that turned out better than I expected" or "Tomorrow I'm thinking about making some bread." There's no pressure on length of entry, I fill anywhere from three sentences to a full page each night, but it helps fill the 'how do I communicate this minor accomplishment or discomfort that nobody else cares about' need for me.
I go to the library, farmer's markets, do group classes at the gym, and join groups that match my interests.
I'm the same way. I require people time, and work from home wears me down.
"has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers"
Have you considered getting a second opinion on your meds? That sounds like a lot if that's 3 separate medications, and not without side effects which may be contributing to a lack of interest in interests.
100% group fitness classes. Orange Theory. I joined boxing, and lost 50+ pounds. Plus I met super nice people, and might have learned a little technique too. If you're single, I've been to two gyms (first one close) and both had majority 20-35 year old women (who could knock me out in seconds).
Whatever you do, don't learn to cope with being alone. I did, and it was my biggest mistake.
I would recommend trying out an active activity in your community that seems to be pretty popular. Not only will the physical activity be beneficial in physical and mental ways, but the communities are usually pretty welcoming to newcomers. I've met some great people via pickle ball, tennis, table tennis, jiu jitsu, and rock climbing gyms.
Being lonely is difficult. A lot of people will try to tell you that it is not or that you should be OK with it. Unfortunately, a lot of this advice is moralizing, the sort of "there must be something wrong with you if you can't be by yourself for long periods of time." This really annoys me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with people! Being social is one of our most fundamental needs. But just look at all the negative health benefits loneliness brings about[1]. If you wouldn't be OK with a friend smoking 15 cigarettes a day, you probably shouldn't be OK with yourself being lonely for most days.
Humans are social animals. Yes, some people are not like this. But if you feel unhappy when you are alone, there is nothing wrong with you. This only means that you are normal.
That aside -- what do you do when you are lonely? "Easy": Go to places where there are people doing stuff and join them. Eventually you will make weak connections. Ask these people to hang out in other contexts. You are done. There are no tricks. The hard part is it takes effort and time - you need to show up over weeks or months, and following up with people outside of the event and making plans is effortful.
If you want one really targeted tip: I love pickleball. Unlike almost any other sport, pickleball has a community where you can just wander over to a pickleball court and join in with virtually anyone. Also, it's great exercise, so even if you don't meet anyone you like, you still got healthier anyways - it's a win-win.
[1]: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-human-beast/2023...
Keep the tv on it adds life.
Meeting new people and transforming that to having people around is a journey you haven't started.
I would use this time wisely. There are opportunities that weren't available to you before. Those free weekends can be spent doing something productive.
Find your goals and go after them. You are in the best spot don't waste it.
Most responses are about how not to be alone. Your question reminded me of an old YouTube video I found helpful called how to be alone: https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs
Don’t immediately go looking for things to fill the empty spaces. There is a lot of value in being able to sit with oneself and one’s thoughts.
It’s also not a bad time to start practicing mindfulness/meditation if you are not already.
I'm truly sorry to hear about your suffering. Have you considered giving your life to Jesus? It can be a great source of healing and comfort in your time of need. I'd be happy to talk to you about (even privately) if it would be helpful.
I just started going to the gym, being a little more self-loving, and paying attention to my appearance and behaviour.
If you’re alone but look good enough for your age and are an interesting person, it’s just a matter of time before you have somebody around.
I don't have much to add - just that I hope you find peace with your new normal. My heart goes to you.
So many takes and advices that could be taken on this topic, I'll keep my $0.02 short: Get a pet.
Perhaps this can also save you a little bit on psychotherapist costs: Learn to like yourself, and your own company.
Humans are social animals though, but don't try to be social for the sake of it, do things you like that involve people, and be nice to them. OTOH, I've met a couple of Uber drivers that are in it just for the social interaction of it (like retirees mostly). Others here will probably have better tips on this topic though, hope that helps.
> But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that.
Based on experience of someone in my family, I ask: are you and your doctor sure that the mood stabilizers themselves aren’t making that hard?
It's not just a hobby you need, it's purpose. For some that is a hobby. If you go the hobby route, try to look for one that has in person meetups. Others going through this use self-improvement as their purpose (gym, suit up, etc). Church works for some. Consider some continuing education courses. Would charity work suit you? There are places like habitat for humanity that you can volunteer at. Maker spaces can be fun. You might also want to try out working from a co-working space.
Try to do your best and “invade” the still existing third spaces, no matter if that involves some extra money that otherwise you wouldn’t have spent. The best example for that are coffee shops, pick two or three of them and try to go there almost every day, by rotation, even for work (if during the week), or just for reading/browsing your phone. Be sure to bring your dog with you.
There are also parks, not sure if there are any of those in your general area, but make sure to make a routine out of walking your dog through them. Also make sure to sit on a bench for 5, 10, even 30 minutes, people-watching, even if it’s the middle of the day and work is waiting. Let it wait.
Being alone is painful, this is not a bug, it's a feature.
I've had several instances in my life where I've been alone for extended periods of time, almost at the same age you are now. I've generally enjoyed it, but not sure what the "How To" is for being alone. For me I've used my alone time to do new/learn things. I taught myself parkour, went and did Brazilian jiujitsu for years, did painting/art classes, went indoor rock climbing, read a lot more on philosophy, went to philosophy groups, joined my local humanist/secular society, worked out a lot more and went running, worked on my own programming projects, geocached, went to local lectures/presentations, all kinds of things. Basically I just followed any random thing my brain thought was interesting. As a side effect I ended up meeting a lot more people than I would have otherwise. I remember feeling anxious when I first became alone but I focused on the fact that I had a lot of freedom. Once you start experiencing your own freedom it feels good! It took a bit, I remember I felt mentally shackled about what I could do, but as I did things I just found there was more that I wanted to do.
My advice is find a fairly priced coworking facility in your area and join that. Even better if it is a maker space also. Or just join the maker space. Its not good to work at home AND be alone all the time, if you're not the kind of person that likes that. If for some reason you don't have coworking places, you can often find cheap offices in business parks on a month to month plan, but it will require some luck or some work to make friends with people in that environment. Theres tons of good but random advice that could work, but the above I think would be a very small change to your life but also put you around tons of people. Goodluck. Keep in mind that there are also countless people that would love to be in your situation, although I dont know if that helps you.
This feeling of loneliness is hard to fill. It takes time. I'm a pretty lonely person for other reasons, I go out and have friends but I find that there is too much noise in my mind and the moments of genuine connection are rare. I'm now reading books on chan (zen) and learning to cultivate and enjoy a more peaceful mind. I've finished therapy and been a psychiatric patient for years. Nothing worked until it did. It's constant education. I'm not claiming to be cured or healthy, but I'm happy. I can imagine how hard it is for you becoming so sudden.
There's definitely a lot of paths you can explore. There is therapy, philosophy, experiences. You can go to therapy to find answers. Even to find a first step. You can read any sort of books to find myriad new ways in which you could perceive the world and yourself in it. And the experiences come along the way. If you are taking the effort that is good. To take up effort you need to see the future. Seems like you believe in it, but wish to see it clearer. Just know that at the beginning of the path nothing is clear, but time is the only constant. And that every feeling is there to tell you something but you only need to recognize it. If it's still there trying to break through, let it through. With every move you make progress. Be kind to yourself.
Good luck my friend.
Couple of things that helped me in similar situations:
- volunteer: find a place you can help others, go cook for the homeless, work with other volunteers, not only are you doing good and meeting new people, you also appreciate what you have more
- think about what made you happy when you were younger, connect with your younger self, explore the dreams you never had a chance to fulfill
- go to therapy: this will help you better understand your feelings, a professional who is there to listen to you, help you get out of loops you are stuck in, normalize your thinking about life. Hinghly recommended!
- do sports: this will help you stay fit and have little successes, you can feel good about.
The world is wonderful, try to explore it and be patient with yourself. Trust the process, improve yourself, be kind and look at this period as a test that will shape your future self. It’s hard now but better days are coming if you put in the work. Good luck!