Ask HN: How to be alone?

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest.

Now I’ll focus on practical advise:

- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.

- besides gym pick an active “hobby”. Cycling, rollerblading, running, skiing, surfing etc. You need self-supporting way to spend time outdoors. Again: do seek instruction.

- learn to play music. It is very healing and rewarding. Also frustrating and hard. Guess what? Take classes. Joining (community) school is great. Getting into local band is amazing. Most importantly here: you do not need to talk to these people. Same goes for drawing studio.

- professional education. Maybe you always wanted to be CPA?

- deep and challenging activities: sailing, diving, flying, mountaineering etc

- checklist reading, movie watching

- study textbooks

- systematic traveling

- volunteer

- build things with your hands and give them away

- learn to recognize your emotional state and how it changes.

My “qualifications”: I was single for ~10+10 years.

I have been alone for quite some time in my life, for various reasons.

Here is my advice

1. Don‘t listen to people telling you that there‘s something wrong with you if you aren’t happy alone and that you need therapy. You probably don‘t.

If you aren‘t able to survive a single day on your own then you have an issue, but in general people are social animals and need talking to and touching other people on a regular basis to regulate themselves emotionally. Some don’t, but you don‘t seem to be one of them. (In my experience people who honestly enjoy being alone for weeks at end often got used to this in their childhood, for example by being single children. If you had a noisy, lively house when growing up you will always miss that.)

2. That being said it is still nourishing and useful to follow the tips for spending time on your own (cooking for yourself, going into the cinema) now and then. But don‘t expect it to magically fix your yearning for social connections.

3. Doing sports and going to the gym often is great advice, because sports generally gives you a more positive mood and a better outlook and it quiets down negative thoughts. But also keep in mind here that it will not replace social interactions and touch.

4. So the question remains where you get your social interaction from, and I would suggest that you replace the single person you had with a lot of tiny social interactions.

None of those is going to fix your solitude on it’s own, but the mixture will enrich your life. If you do all of those things once per week, your mood will improve:

- Online dating and chatting with friends (but don‘t expect anything to come out of it)

- Dancing classes (this is especially great because you get the physical touch component)

- Regular coffee/dinner dates (1-2 per week) with a friend, coworker or relative.

- Going for a walk and talking to a random stranger

- Singing in a choir or similar hobbies

- Going to pubquizzes or free to join community walks

People remember your kindness. That’s it.

I’ve had several senior neighbours who passed away, after decades of living alone. We’ve always helped each other in one way or another and when they passed, in all cases I thought back about the last time we talked. In all cases the conversations remembered involved kindness. Either from then to us or from us to them and them being grateful. It’s what remains.

Giving kindness is most satisfying. It makes the receiver happy, but it makes you happy as well in a wat that kind of lasts. It’s an interaction that compounds on both sides. I think that’s why church groups, and mentorships, ans teaching, and advisory roles are satisfying. Teaching, giving, coaching all make life far more vibrant emotionally, and far less lonely.

Giving grows the pie, while zero sum games see it as affixed. Trying to compete in the latter will make you lonely. Trying to grow the pie in any kind of local community might make you see things differently.

I'm two years ahead of you in this journey. I got divorced after just over a decade with my partner. Social engagements to me were always ad-hoc. I suck at planning so I often found myself more alone than I'd like.

Looking back on the last two years and auditing what worked, I would say routine and lingering were the most important thing.

Trying new things is mentally draining and labor intensive, this is a fact of life for many. What worked for me was finding something I enjoyed (exercise classes) and doing it consistently multiple times a week at the same place for months. With repetition, it's very easy to make new friends. Complaining about one exercise one week turns into making comments about the music the next, and all of a sudden you're getting coffee with friends.

At the start it was very difficult, and I was very bad, but now I'm part of a community and have many close friends. Its a hour per day most days of the week. It's also a jumping off point for everything else social. It provides purpose and self-confidence. Which are prerequisites for everything else meaningful in life.

I think there are a couple questions you need to ask yourself - the first is why is it hard for you to be alone? You're the one person you're stuck living with for your entire life - it shouldn't be hard to be alone with yourself. That's where it began. That's where it will end.

You mentioned you have a therapist - this is something you might wish to explore with them.

The second question is related - what are you looking for in the "not alone"? What do you want? What would bring you peace? Are you looking for a relationship? A friend? Sex? etc? While you have to be comfortable with yourself, part of that comfort is knowing and being confident in what you're looking for. It may be that the world won't or can't provide it, but that's why I put this question second.

The final point I'll make is that there's nothing stopping you. You're an adult... within the constraints of the laws of your society, you CAN do what you want and there's nothing stopping you. It may not go the way you want, but it might, and wouldn't it be fun to try?

I’ve been alone since about 20. I am 26 now and have been renting a room from someone who is in a similar state as myself. We mostly do our own thing but it’s nice to have others around. Something I learned was necessary when living alone was to have connections with people. I am religious and belong to a church the social connection there was critical to my survival as an individual. I had friends who were in multiple stages of life. I would try to spend time with others multiple times a week.

On Thursday’s I would spend time with my friend who’s in his 60s. I might help him fix some shelves or his furnace or whatever in exchange for a meal with him and his wife. We would play a few rounds of pickle ball or go for a bike ride in the evening and then we would sit around and talk.

I had a few other friendships like this. One family where I would spend a lot of time. The children where in their teens and I was friends with them and the parents they treated me as a bit of a son. It was good. I have since moved to a different community and have a very social job now so it’s not as crucial that I make such deliberate efforts to spend time with others.

So my advice is this make deliberate effort to spend time with people. Find people to spend time with involve yourself in their lives. Humans are social we all need some interaction and you can be an asset to others while helping yourself.

Too much time alone will absolutely destroy your mental state. Well it did mine. I have my friends to thank for taking care of me.

I should note many people rely on family for this sort of stuff. I don’t have family close geographically.

Ask yourself "Would I like to be friend with <me>". Then invest in things you do not like. Smile. Go to gym. Be friendly with people, but not creepy. Help people. Be good family member and friend. Get yourself good clothes. Find interesting hobby. Cook. Pay whole bill when you go outside occasionally. Do it for yourself, not for others. When you become best version of self, people will start notice you more and more.

I'm going to assume you no longer live near family, or are not close to them. I was severely depressed for over a year where I lived alone (across the country from my parents) without pets after a painful breakup. Getting a remote job and moving back closer to my parents/cousins/grandmother helped the most, but other things that help(ed):

* Going to restaurants with bars (like diners or sushi bars) where I could attempt to make small talk with servers

* Regularly going to the gym. Cliche, I know, but at least 3 times a week at the same times and I started becoming friendly with other regulars who had similar schedules. If you get friendly enough with someone, don't be afraid to ask if they wanna get food or beer after.

* Volunteering (cliche as well, but it helps) at the same place once a week. I volunteered for a high school bringing near-spoiled produce from local supermarkets to their horticulture club. There's loads of ways to get involved, but maybe start with your city/county's website to look for volunteer opportunities, ideally ones where you see the same people every time. This lets you build trust and community with folks who are often from different walks of life.

1. This will be tough. That doesn't mean you are doing it wrong.

2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable.

3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression.

4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness.

Again, that's okay. You will grow so much as you find new ways to socialize and to enjoy solitude. It will be painful, but that is normal. It is part if the process.

Also again, I'm sorry to hear life took an unexpected turn. I know how hard that can be.

Sorry that you’re going through this. I got divorced after a 10 year marriage last year. Although it was amicable, going from a house (with a dog) to living alone is pretty tough.

Other people have said the same, but strong +1 to staying active and building a routine around that.

All my friends live far away as well, but fortunately I connect with them virtually every weekend for games.

Maybe one more bit of advice.. doing things on your own feels odd at the start. But there are upsides, e.g if you go to a museum you just go at your own place, you take a vacation wherever _you_ want, etc. Initially you will have the impulse of wanting to share that moment with someone, but that also fades with time.

Plus you’ll meet someone new and build new memories together. You’ll be fine OP, but it’ll be shitty for a while.

From my experience of being alone but only lonely occasionally, the crux have always been a mix of:

1. Having stuff to do or a long todo list. Being alone is awesome in a "I have so much time" way, but time we don't know how to spend inevitably leads to depression. I think exercising and hobbies or finding some purpose, like many other comments suggest is the best way.

You said that you don't have anyone to talk about your day with. But you do: yourself. You can write it down on a journal, also with your thoughts. Writing is a great way to find an outlet you're currently missing. This way you can fill the time you don't hang around IRC with that, compile your thoughts and then talk about it. This is essentially blogging.

2. "Solitary confinement with internet" can give you a microdose of socializing. It will never be the same as the real thing but there are thousands of people like you at your fingertip. If you like games, while they can be addictive I'd suggest some online games. Especially today there's a lot of online games, usually the older ones, that are inhabited by busy "dads" that are not as sweaty as the teens and are there more for socializing and questing together for an hour or two between putting their kids to bed and bedtime. They can be very sociable. Same dynamics I think exist in many small communities, including hobbie reddit/discords etc. Hop in hop out socializing can be a remedy for loneliness that bubbles up

Try focusing on doing for other people. Volunteering, joining your local religious group, random acts of kindness. This will give your life meaning and help you find wholesome and healthy relationships.

First thing is going outside. Staying inside is only going to compound depression and cause days gone by to become a blur. Just doing that is a step in the right direction, bonus points if it involves moving the body.

Second, start writing. Writing can help prevent circular thoughts and force the brain to plan how to change your lifestyle and get you to a life worth living. If you don’t write, it’s very easy to repeat patterns over and over again.

Third, don’t lose hope. Having a positive outlook and a growth mindset is going to help you navigate setback and push through obstacles. It’s easy to resort to a fixed mindset, but the saints are the sinners who keep on trying as they say.

Best of luck!

Leaning into vs. trying to kill the boredom/loneliness/emptiness is a strategy. Because this is how it is now. You will only ever get so much love from your cat.

I don't know you and all I know is what you've written here, but it seems like this new situation has unmasked your life and aspects of your personality and the truth is uncomfortable. This is who you were before as well, it's just more obvious now that you don't have the relationship you had.

How it is and who you are: these are the premises of the situation. Now given this, where do you go from here? You decide. The premises are just the start, the conclusion is something else and you're driving the car 100% now.

It sounds like you have the right idea, and this worked in my case. Find what sucks and work to make it not suck and don't expect results overnight. Persist, adapt, overcome.

I sincerely hope the best and that things improve for you.

I was in a similar situation. While I'm very much an introvert, the emptiness you mention became very strong.

I changed a few things to improve. I started riding a bike, and I joined some local casual bike riding meet-ups in the weekends. The meet-ups had a lit of new people each time as well as some frequent members, so I could usually choose between just riding along, talk to someone familiar or talk to someone new. After a bit I got some new friends this way which I met outside of the meet-up.

I picked up a couple of weekday activities. For one I went for something that interested me, but also was fairly casual and had natural dead time which allowed for talk. Bowling, darts, frisbee golf, that sort of thing. For the other I went with something that helped others. In my case they had an after-hours activity at a local school helping kids start programming.

I also played a lot of games before and after, mostly single player or just random multiplayer, but I ended up getting into a MMO and finding a guild. This became the primary place I'd hang out and talk about pork chops and broken blinds.

It wasn't a quick fix, but by working at it the emptiness faded.

A big difference was I had an office to come to with colleagues to talk to. We have a couple remote workers as well, and both of them have gotten an office space in a shared office building. This way they still get to eat lunch with someone or hang out by the coffee machine.

Best of luck and hang in there.

There are no tricks because you're too smart to fall for your own tricks.

The one thing that works is the time buffer between your future self and now.

The real challenge is to override the sadness with new memories.

Doing all the things you listed (dog park / build sth. / books, etc) makes the time go by faster, especially if you find something you like.

Stay holed up, and the sadness keeps resonating, building its harmonics (reliving past images, what ifs).

Everyone has their own pace. Stay strong.

> fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks

I know how it feels. Wish you the best.

Try a few different CrossFit gyms near you; at least one is likely to have a strong social element. CrossFit is the closest thing there is to secular church, and most of the reason people go to church is for the social aspect.

CrossFit has its downsides (much ink has been spilled elsewhere), but the social element makes up for a lot.

You can easily end up doing 5-7 sessions a week there, with a consistent cohort of people that you develop relationships with.

Edit to add: CrossFit classes also add an element of structure to a daily routine that is not work related. This is really important. You don't have to plan anything for the class, other than show and and do the workout. But showing up at social event consistently has an impact all through your day.

I found myself in a similar place a couple of years ago. My partner passed away, which is different and the same as your situation.

My advice… Run. Don’t worry about being fast. Get the Jeff Galloway run-walk-run book and just do it. You probably aren’t a running person. Cool, do it anyway.

Couple of reasons. One, it will help you with your emotional state. There’s something liberating about just focusing on your steps and your brain is able to organize and pack stuff away. Two, it will make a real difference in your physical condition, which also helps the mind.

Get established and when you’re ready make a goal to do a 5k or something. If you want to, you can go from watching TV to a 5k in 2-3 months. When you do that, usually those events are organized by a running club. Go to some of their events or practice runs, do an meetup or two. When you’re ready, you’ll find a bunch of people not unlike yourself.

You are 38, getting out of a decades long relationship, and you’re introspective enough to post this post. It doesn’t feel like it now , but when it’s time, you are a hot commodity for future partners.

Getting started is easy. Get two pairs of good socks and good running shoes. Then go.

Good luck, whatever you do!

I'll speak from my own experience and not one of study or professional recommendation.

No matter how much I got out and about each day and night, I'd still feel 'alone' when I was home alone. I ended up developing panic attacks out of nowhere that got pretty rough for a while. In short, I felt like I was going crazy.

The only thing that helped was going back out and finding someone else. The process sucks, especially as you get older, but all my anxiety and panic attacks disappeared.

So I guess that's to say, it's possible some people just don't handle being alone well no matter what they try, as I've found with myself. I guess it makes some sense, humans are social creatures.

This is going to be a difficult time.. and that's OK. Great change is upon you.

One book I cannot recommend enough is Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life by James Hollis.

Listen deeply to yourself, be kind with yourself. It's so very hard but so very very rewarding.

Join Discord servers of your favorite games and join social servers, build/play with the same folks. It can be like playing in a local band (also a great way to socialize and find purpose).

When I was 21, I moved out of my parents house and moved from Orlando to Dallas for a girl I met on the internet. We were together for about six months and then she broke up with me. Additionally, like two weeks later I got fired from my job.

I hold no grudges my ex girlfriend for that, I was far from an amazing partner, but I was now living in a new city where I knew basically no one, with no job to get out of my apartment, with no family nearby, and no money to artificially figure out ways to entertain myself. I had never in my entire life before that felt so alone. Days simultaneously felt ridiculously long and yet time seemed to also lose all meaning and it would feel like a week would go by without me even realizing it. When a job interview would come up, it would be the highlight of my week, primarily because it was an excuse to talk to another human.

I had friends from Orlando, of course, good friends even, and I would chat with them on Skype, and I would call my parents over the weekend, but of course they all had to work during the day and so most of the day I was purely alone.

It was dreadful. It felt like all I could do was apply for jobs, play through games on a SNES emulator, and learn new programming languages to try and make myself competitive in the job market.

I eventually found a job, with coworkers that I actually really liked. There was a married couple that I think liked me but also felt kind of sorry for me, so they would invite me over to their house on weekends to play video games and watch Game of Thrones, and I am eternally grateful for them. They were friends when I really needed friends.

I never really figured out how to be alone; I eventually met my girlfriend (now wife) and I haven't really been "alone" in the same way since then.

Hey, saw this while looking under new and wanted to try and help. I think the answer is to be places. Life needs randomness and interactions and that doesn't happen at home. Try to be in "3rd places" - the gym / work in a shared working space / pick up a couple of hobbies (I say a couple as just one is risky if say it's sports based an you injure yourself - something you can do outdoors, something you can do indoors). Trust that it will take time, but it will happen.

> I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.

Allow me to be blunt: you’re still suffering the symptoms of depression. I’m not a psychiatrist but you likely have what I’d think of as “situational depression” (as opposed to ingrained depression). Once you either fix the cause (loneliness) or adapt to it, the depression will lift.

I think it’s worth saying that you need to learn how to be comfortable in your own company. That’s the easy bit, the hard part is figuring out how. I don’t think there’s a trick you can do, you need to put in some work. Maybe take your dog walking to more remote places than just a dog park? I guess if you’re in America this might be more difficult but are there any green spaces within a few hours drive you can spend the weekend at?

I went through something similar after a long relationship ended. What helped me wasn’t “find a hobby” but a few small, repeatable things:

• Treat being alone as a skill you practice, not a verdict on your life – e.g. 20–30 minutes a day you choose to do something solo (walk, café, book) on purpose. Over time your brain learns “alone” can also be calm, not just panic. • Give weekends a thin structure: one out‑of‑the‑house thing, one tiny “future me” thing (10 minutes learning/building something), and the rest whatever. It stops the 60 hours from feeling like an empty void. • Have one low‑effort chat outlet (small group / one friend / Discord) just for “here’s what I cooked / fixed today” so that part of your brain doesn’t feel completely unheard.

You don’t have to learn to love being alone right now. Short‑term goal can just be “make the next few months tolerable while my system adjusts”, and that’s completely reasonable.

Try to find places you can become a regular, it sounds like you're experiencing true grief and isolation is exacerbating it. I know how hard it can be to pull yourself out. Making myself a regular in places that suited my interests, a local bookstore where I buy all of my books and have a chat with the owner, an arcade where I go, a bar that has a night of music i'm into helped me. Just getting to the point where you can go into a space, and be acknowledged as a human being that another human being has seen and talked to before was really grounding for me. I made no friends from doing this, but it helped me feel a bit less isolated and helped make other positive changes that led to being less alone. What you do is so much less important than forcing yourself to just put yourself into a situation where you are face to face with someone else. I hope this helps

>I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers

>Everything feels hollow ... feels like being imprisoned

Just a humble observation: you may not have a psychiatrist that great.

You take three different medications just for everything to feel hollow? And that is life?

That sounds quite depressing to my ear.

My advice: find a community IRL, and hear from them IRL. Solitary confinement with internet is definitely not healthy. Go outside, learn something new, meet people and interact with them in real life, "remote" won't cut it. Meds will not make you feel, people will.

My mom moved to a remote area after she retired, she had a partner who moved there with her, although he was much older. They always lived in a house on a lake. She retired early because she wanted to enjoy the time that he was still active and travel, which they did. 10 years later her partner died and she had health complications that made it difficult for her to travel anymore. Once this happened, she hated the area she lived in. There wasn't even a YMCA nearby that she could exercise and swim at, which she would have enjoyed. She wouldn't go for a walk because her house was on a hill that was too difficult for her to walk. She could have driven to a different area and gone on walks but she didn’t ever want to do that by herself. It took me 45 minutes to drive to where she lived and help her grocery shop and clean house, which I did twice a week. The covid pandemic forced her to move into assisted living and she died three months after moving there due to her chronic illness. I couldn't tell you if the 10 years before things got bad were worth it in comparison to the misery she suffered at the end, but moving to a remote area definitely had its disadvantages that there was no solution for when it hit.

I'm kind of going through the opposite. I was alone until 38, and then suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. I'm now realising that I did indeed develop an effective strategy to combat loneliness over the years.

What you need is a personal project. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking this needs to be something with significant utility, but that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. My recommendation is to make your project as specific to your life as you want, and as dumb as you want. It could be a radio station localised only to your house, or a chat app for you and three other people, or a mechanical toy for a friend. Then find some friends or a community you can share that thing with when you're done.

Think about what it would be fun for you, specifically, to do, or to make, or to achieve, go do that thing, and then share it. This technique got me through 38 years of loneliness (mostly) unscathed, so I'm confident it can work for others too.

Reading makes me feel addicted to life.

I was a decent reader as a kid, then for the longest time I couldn’t read. I got psychological help to recover my attention, and gently started reading 10 mins of something easy after waking up. Now I read at a pace of about 1.5 books per week and I can’t get enough of it. There are so my worlds that I want to explore further. Russian literature. The history of ideas. Sci-fi. 19th century France. Computer science. So many books, so little time!

Reading can generate many virtuous cycles. It requires attention, but begets attention. It can calm the mind and feel meditative. It can inspire thought and sometimes useful action. It can help you be more interesting in conversation. It can become addictive, but rarely as much as screens and won’t make you miss social opportunities.

It’s not for everyone but my theory is that if you’ve ever been immersed in two or three books at any point in your life, there’s a good chance that the potential is in you to scale it to a fulfilling habit.

I really hope you sort things out and find meaning one way or another. I’m glad that at you’re in good professional hands - that is a great first step.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. I read every comment, and your help has been far more than I'd hoped for.

If anyone feels like chatting (about anything, really), I'm "theshawwn" on Snapchat. If you email me ([email protected]) I'll happily send you my number for texting / Signal. Any other app is fine too if you send me your info. I'll respond to everyone; I like hearing about your life, so feel free to talk about whatever you'd like, or just say hello.

You're all so kind. I grew up on HN (I think I was 19 when it first launched as Startup News) and the community never fails to amaze. Thank you for taking the time to try to help. I owe you all.

Get a bike and ride into a forest. I don't know what it is, but it just makes all the problems go away, make that into a routine and now you have a constant thing which resets your state of mind.

ymmv, especially if you're in urban housing where there's private land as far as the eye can see.

I don't have any advice for being alone, but I want to remind you that you can open up your phone right now, start messaging people to say "want to come over for dinner at my place next Sunday?", and keep going until you have no more free seats at the dining table. You don't have to make peace with being alone.

If something gets in the way and stops you from doing this, then that thing - depression, anxiety, not having anyone to message, your friends are all busy, you don't feel ready - might help you understand and fix whatever is going on at a deeper level.

Also, that sucks. I've been in a similar place at various points in my life and it can feel inescapable until, somehow, you escape.

Forgive me because I'm maybe reading in too much, but it doesn't seem like you're asking how to be alone. It sounds like you might be asking how to deal with your new situation, which must be very difficult. If that's not out of bounds, one suggestion is to try what's called "rejection therapy." That is, make it a daily goal to go out and get rejected at something. It shifts something mentally and I hope it might be helpful for you.

I remember reading once that the biggest predictor of friendship/relationships was physical proximity. And a book about a spy who built a relationship with and turned a diplomat by appearing at/around the same grocery store repeatedly, gradually building familiarity then trust.

I often think about these examples. And as much as hobbies etc are good ideas, I think one could start even simpler - walk the dog at the same time every day. Or drive to get a coffee, hang out there for 30 mins, etc. I find a change of scenery helps me too, as well as a routine, to lift the spirits, and those chance encounters will repeat.

> I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers

Disclaimer: this is not medical advice, but have you considered being on less medication? I have seen a close family member become absolutely numbed from being on antidepressants, and although I have personally never been on them, I am highly skeptical that the amount of drugs the average American is being prescribed is healthy. My preferred choice of self-fixing is by quiet introspection, though I've had some useful experiences from therapy sessions as well.

Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time — it sounds rough. Hope things get better soon.

Not related, but one thing that’s comforted me in the past is that one’s brain physiologically responds to these changes like an addiction withdrawal — and one has to endure a cocktail of hormones and awful feelings but those will subside, with time, even if you make no changes to your life at all.

It goes without saying that some new groups to socialize with would help, but that’s a lot easier said than done :) It’s also important for you to believe — emotionally, not logically — that things will get better. This is difficult. Depression can lead to black-and-white thinking in areas that it doesn’t belong, so I feel it’s essential to combat this if it’s something you’re seeing. One thing that helps a lot is trying to have your expectations violated in a pleasant way.

Specifically — rather than tunneling on a hobby you’re interested in, I think it’s surprisingly valuable to join a group around something you think you might kinda like, but don’t like too much. (D&D would be an example for me.) Things will rarely turn out the way you expect, and I think if you go in with a lower bar for success, you leave more room for yourself to be pleasantly surprised and feeling hopeful and open.

I've got value over the years from Desiderata. At once both economical and powerful.

I already mentioned this to @sillysaurusx but will post here in case it yields interesting comments.

https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html

Look around your town and try a few regular local group activities. See "third place" for ideas. Be patient with yourself. This will take time, and that's okay.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place

Some of my most durable adult friendships started at group ballroom dance classes. The studio was a 15-minute drive from my suburban home, twice per week, and focused on social dancing, not competitive. I don't think dancing was the thing that made it work, but funny teachers and regular faces. That studio closed (pre-pandemic, thank goodness). No studio since has recreated the magic, but other activities have.

The fact you're asking is great.

Having a similar story, I can tell you the the answer is not to try and fill that hole with someone else until you've worked out who you are, and what you really want.

You're not the person that you were when you moved out of your parents, and you need to work out what is "you" vs what was "us".

Don't rush to the next stage of your life. Live in the discomfort you are feeling and find out what quietens it. Easier said than done, I know.

Believe it or not there are those if us in Tech who crave that human connection.

Things that I've tried:

* Salsa was mentioned somewhere else, that's amazing to meet people, laugh at yourself, and learn a skill

* Walk the dog without earphones. It's amazing how dog walkers will give that knowing smile to each other. Lean into that. Say a hi, and ask about their dog. Simple, but if you're walking the same time every day you'll soon be chatting.

* Go and exist somewhere. The coffee house etc (I avoid bars, though I like a drink, as ironically lonely bar people are not the inspirational people I seek), just be there. I get that these are the 3rd places.

* Go to events (plays, theatre, cultural places). Turn up early, smile and say hi to random people. You've got an in there as you're there for a specific reason. Do a bit of research prior.

* Try a few different gyms. The vibe is different in every one. Be there longer than your workout.

* To the above, when you go places, be there early, don't rush off.

* If you can get yourself in to the tech leaders round table style dinners (8-10 people), you'll very quickly find interesting like minded individuals. You may have to commit to travel a bit to do this. Not sure how that works with the dog for you.

Things I've tried and don't work

* The random meetups. Unless they are focused on something you can all relate to (i.e. board games etc).

* Pubs / bars as above

* Professional networking events with over 20 people. That's just hustling.

If you want to just chat shit, or say hi to a human, feel free to reach out. I'm sure it would be good for both of us!

Commit to the service of others. It’s not for their benefit, it’s for yours. Be amazed how much it gets you out of your head and into a place of healing. Get involved with a food bank (be the one who packs bags full of canned goods and rice, or who loads the bags into people’s cars as they drive through). A place where the same people show up each week to do the work. I’m not Catholic but your local Catholic parish will know where this is.

Then go meta: don’t just do the work, and don’t be looking to find people to become friends with. Ask everyone around you how their day is going. How their week is going. Say you’re sorry when they tell you about the hard week they had or their sick kid or their divorce. When those people need a ride somewhere, offer to drive them.

The rest may come if and when it’s supposed to come. Start by connecting with people and connect by trying to be of service, it’s for your benefit not theirs.

You need to lift weights seriously, like get your squat at least to bodyweight, ideally 1.5x bodyweight. Of course it's great for the body, but it has profound effects on the mind too, like you might be able to get off those meds. Studies show mental health effects from working out depend on intensity.

Fix your diet and your sleep. Meditate.

The basic concept is invest seriously in yourself and you'll like being by yourself much better.

This might sound silly but I'd consider getting my dog a dog. This will not be the absolute solution but your dog will have a companion and your house will have more life.

One thing you could look into is body doubling sites like flow club. It doesn't solve the core issue but might help in a small way outside of work hours. Outside of the internet I keep hearing that Pickleball is the most social sport around! Also have you tried hanging out and working at Starbucks (or similar) after some time (weeks) in the same place it's inevitable to start making connections. Also co-working spaces can offer connections, and they usually have various club goings on on notes on the pin boards etc. One thing I do know is that it takes quite a few times / weeks of time turning up to the same place for conversation to start. Hope this is helpful in some way.

First thing: No it is not normal thing to be alone. We humans are social animals. Once we are isolated we usually die soon, so take that seriously.

Being isolated from your tribe used to be a worse punishment than death. The greeks called that punishment ostracism. El mio Cid was the Spanish representative case.

In the US there is an epidemy of loneliness.

So, what to do? First recognise that this is a problem and do not dig deeper. Do not isolate yourself more. Do not play vdeogames, do not read books until you fix it.

My main advice is to stop thinking too much about yourself, think about others.

I was into religious(Cristian catholic) orgs and I helped old people(something I did not like), I helped poor people on the streets(liked it more) and I helped drug addicts and war refugees.

Helping drug addicts were a pain on the aßß, but once you make someone get out, he or she becomes a friend for life. It is like the friendships that are done in fighters of a war. Once you have put your life on the hands of someone else and trusted someone else so much, nothing can break that friendship.

If you think about that in a meta way, I was helping people that were marginalised, that were alone, and in the process I could not be alone. I did it in a religious group(a tribe in itself)

Thanks to this experience I can make friends very fast in a new place, something few adults know how to do.

If you are going to read, read a book called "How to influence people and make friends", but do not read the new book that is a badly revised book by the incompetent descendants of the writer, read the old original book.

But reading books is not going to help because you need action first, not reflection, and action is going to be painful for a while, and you have to endure the pain until it becomes easy. The best advise is to get out there, try hard, fail spectacularly and only then read the book.

Stop thinking about yourself, me, me and me. We are not wired to work for us alone. We are worked for working for others: Our tribe, our children, our family.

Instead of not trying to be alone, focusing on yourself (me, me and me) start thinking on helping other people that are alone. Start thinking on creating your own tribe or joining a new tribe. It can be a maker space, a group for hiking or helping or teaching kids.

I can relate to some of what you’re describing, though from a different angle. I’ve always been somewhat of a loner, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve grown increasingly dissatisfied with the shallowness of many modern interactions: the constant glance at the screen, that black brick glued to the hand, the strange absence of attention even when you try to do something kind for someone. It often feels like we’re all performing a kind of theater of socialization.

One thing that helped me over the years was cultivating a richer inner life and maintaining some contact with nature. Long walks, quiet time, reading, building things slowly, the kinds of activities that don’t depend on an audience. At first that kind of solitude can feel oppressive, but with time it can also become a kind of freedom.

As you get older, or at least that has been my experience, you begin to realize how precious each moment is, and how little sense it makes to spend too much of it on interactions that feel hollow. Real presence, even if rare, becomes much more valuable.

Your situation is clearly different, and the transition you’re going through sounds genuinely hard. But sometimes these chapters also open space to rediscover parts of yourself that were quiet for a long time. I wish you strength navigating this change, and I hope you eventually find a rhythm that feels meaningful again.

Two different perspectives:

1. To be alone is FAR better than to be in bad company. And the world is full of bad company. Thousands of people are craving to be alone for this reason.

2. You need to be a nice companion to yourself. If you arrive at this level, when you meet other people, you will be eager to share this amazing companion with others, instead of appearing to be begging not to "be alone".

And one piece of advice:

1. If you are a Christian, it is a great time to learn and enjoy God's company through prayer; you will never be alone again.

One thought that I have from my experience of going through a divorce: think of who else in your life is important to you, and reach out to them more. If you have someone you can talk to about what you're going through, even if they're only available by phone or email or texting or video chat, do it.

This post really resonated with me - I've been there, similar age in fact, and found it challenging... however in the time since, I've learned to love and value my time alone. I don't get it too much these days, but when I do, I embrace it.

Find connections. Join a club. Take up a hobby. Make the most of your time alone - deliberate actions on weekends, like going for a swim (you'll meet people if you swim regularly), a hike (same), buy a motorbike and join a casual riding club, take up amateur radio and make nerdy friends, work in a co-working space and get to know people even if you don't work "with" them, you can still work with them.

Then there's the more unusual suggestions which can be just as much fun - and I've done many of these and found value in them! Join a local volunteer fire brigade if you have one. Take a class and learn something new. Never been artistic? Join your local community college and take a class.

Life can be hollow, and as I tell my kids, it's what you fill it with that makes it full. Just as with boredom.. sometimes its good to be bored, and sometimes its good to experience hollowness and down, because then the ups feel so much more real.

I wouldn't jump straight into a new relationship (or even try to). Learn to love yourself and live with yourself, and the right person will come when they do and not a moment before. Lean on friends and family when you need support, and be there for others when they need it too. This is great for the soul.

It's a challenge, but not an insurmountable one.