Ask HN: How to be alone?

Help people , there are many who need help.

Plenty of people have already said join a gym. I'll build on that and say try and find one that offers group classes - anything from the Les Mills line up, for instance. For several years until Covid struct, I used to do Body Combat twice a week, along with occasional Cx Works and Body Pump. A year before I started doing all of that it had never occurred to me that I might want to set foot in a gym!

In the most difficult stages of my life I've found that exercise raised my energy levels and left me more able to tackle the things I needed to face - and the friends I made through group classes helped as well.

Look for other kinds of in-person group activities (if you play an instrument, open mic nights, retro-computing meets or hackspaces), and give them a go - even if they're not the kind of thing you usually enjoy - be prepared to be surprised!

Hi dude, sorry about this. Hope it is for the better.

What you are feeling is absolutely natural. If you lost somebody in your life(parents, grandparents), which you shared a lot of time with and enjoyed sharing your upsides and downsides, you'll feel like somebody took a part of you.

Whether that person was good for you or not, we have chemicals in our brains that want us to have friends and company, as this is what made our species be so successful! So, no need to overthink this, your brain is working exactly as it should.

As you like playing games, I'd recommend getting a copy of WoW Midnight, which just launched and giving it a try. It's a very sociable game and your first goal should be to get in a guild and find new friendships.

As everybody is 30+ in the game and actually average around your age, it'll be easy for you to find similar people to you.

My second recommendation is to look at your own interests, even stuff you left behind because of your partner.

For instance, I like climbing and even going bouldering solo might mean I'll make some friends along the way.

You need to do things that get you together with people. People will help you get healed.

Also if the climate allows take your dog for a walk to the park and try to consistently spend time there. This will net you company very quickly, but don't go so fast, let things take time.

I hope you find peace in your heart!

First off, it's just hard. Sorry you have to go through it.

What's worked unfailingly for me for the 40+ years since I became an adult was always having long term habits that moved my life forward. I had no guidance on the big stuff, so from about age 12 I methodically taught myself about programming, sculpting a career, investment, running a business, running a household, being funny, being a man, etc. All years-long efforts. (If I had to do it all again I'd replace one of those with a martial art.)

So I had something to work on instead of lapsing into depression during very dark times. If you met me the last thing you would imagine is that chicks dig me, but they do. I'm not good looking by any standards. But building these skills created a person that people know can get things done at a pretty high level. People like a confident dude, and that will probably serve you much better than spending an ungodly amount of time on Hinge.

What are your hobbies?

I initially read this as "I want to experience aloneness, how do I do it". I read it that way because to me, being alone is an incredibly wonderful and useful experience. You can know things when you are alone that you cannot otherwise know. Like your true size in the universe. There is nothing like being alone at night, outside, when the temperature is 20 without anything or anyone around you.

This is not something you will experience when being alone, locked in a room or a building. Or surrounded by people. You need to be in the wild, in nature. Do it.

In those moments of being alone you learn something that allows you to be more alive. More deeply in the world. And a way to give you a context for not being alone.

So my first suggestion is to go someplace where you are completely alone and on your own for a while. Out in nature.

People can be the most wonderful creatures on earth. And the worst. There is a pretty good way to find them at their best, and it is hilarious. Go on a quest.

What is a quest? It is not an intellectual thing, it is a thing of the heart. It does not have to be a great thing, but it does have to be one that matters to you - you have to care about it.

For example, you might decide to spend the night outside, alone in the winter. Do not read a book about this. Start asking people. Tell them why you are going on your quest and ask them if they know anyone who can help you learn how.

Now the secret to a successful quest is to follow it. If someone says Joe and Josie know, then go ask Joe and Josie. And of course you are honor bound to actually do the quest. People are utterly wonderful about helping someone, so ask for help.

Finally, write. Get a fountain pen and a notebook (or cheat and get a ballpoint pen). Sit down. Set a timer for one hour and write. The goal is to write sentences continuously for one hour. It matters not what you write. If you want (and can actually do it) you can write the same one over and over, but it has to be some sentence - no matter how broken.

We all get stuck in the past. The cure for the past is the future, the new. You have open doors in front. One or more of those has better things than anything in your past. So go there.

It was normal to die at that age 100 years ago, so you treat it like death, the stuff beyond physiological and safety needs don't matter.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm impressed that you are in touch enough with your feelings to articulate it.

There's a lot of great advice in this thread. The best I have is to 1) Join a gym and go consistently. Nothing improves your mood like endorphins. Plus, at 38 you'll be amazed at what kind of shape you can get in. 2) Meditate. Learning to be present and grounded will enable you to decide who you want to be and who you want to be with. One I like is called Quantum Light Breath, particularly the version from Jeru Kabbal. It's a guided meditation so you can do it alone, although it is great in a group as well. Spoiler: It has nothing to do with quantum mechanics or the physics of light. There is a lot of breathing, though.

Good luck.

> There are the usual suggestions: […] But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that.

There are some other suggestions and ideas here in the comments and your response also boils down to “thank you but that’s too hard”.

Sorry to say this but - it’s going to be hard. Did you want something easy? I don’t think it exists in this situation. Creating new routines and breaking out into something different from what you were used to for years, will take effort and resources. There’s no magic pill.

You can do this but it’ll take effort and discipline. Go for it!

Lying on the grass, gazing at the sky, city walk, city drive,

> Everything feels hollow now.

I'm slightly younger than you are but I remember how video games and sitting in front of my computer made me feel like this. You asked how to be willing to be alone but I will pivot my answer here that maybe you don't have to be alone? If you don't want to be alone here are the steps I would take nowadays.

I would recommend finding a improv class. This helps you to get used to laugh to yourself and make a fool of yourself. Also the people attending improv classes are more open in general. When you are more comfortable with these feelings then it becomes easier to open up a conversation with strangers. First times it feels awkward but you can frame the narrative that this is just you learning social skills and your body adapting to the new situation. When you do this enough it becomes easier to find new people into your life. You might feel creepy and they might feel that you're creepy but it becomes easier when you practice. Be open about your learning: "Sorry if I'm bothering you. I'm trying to learn how to speak to others. How is your day going?"

If the chit-chat goes well ask them for coffee or a lunch or if they want to join you for a walk with your dog. Strangers often ask if they can pet my dog when walking in the public with her. Put your focus into them rather than your feelings. Ask how their day has been. Ask how do they spend their time. Ask follow up questions: "Oh you like knitting? It reminds me of my Grandma. Are your granparents still alive? How often do you see them?". This way other people feel that you are actually paying attention and it helps you to connect with them.

Read also this one: https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-ha...

Learn how to use your calendar and start planning stuff together with the people you meet. Most of the people are just self-centered and want to have someone who would listen to them. If you provide this for them you will find people who are interested in your company. Hopefully eventually you will meet also few people who will listen to you as well.

When you start having more friends/acquaintances the hollow feeling did go away for me. The hollow feeling still comes every now and then but I've somehow accidentally built a routine that when it comes I will reach my phone and suggest something to do for my friends.

YMMV but for me it has been a long journey but definitely worth it and doable for others if they can endure the anxiety during the way. Also remember to sleep/eat/excercise in addition like others said. When you don't everything else falls apart.

This will get downvoted to oblivion, but consider a major change: enlist in the military, sign up for a stint on a commercial fishing vessel, or go work as a firefighter. You will have tons of time with other people, even live with them for extended periods, but they will also tend to respect your space.

Need a buddy?

What used to be on the domain in your bio?

Start dancing Argentine tango. I am dead serious.

Don't work remote.

Firstly, there's a difference between dealing with being alone and dealing with the emptiness of losing someone you love.

For being alone - many people will suggest you should try to get out and socialise, but imo this isn't a good coping strategy. I'd argue you need to learn how to enjoy your own company rather than be dependant on others for happiness. That's not to say you shouldn't try to get out the house and socialise from time to time, but it also shouldn't be painful for you to spend a few days by yourself.

Meditation will help with this. I used to hate being alone and would constantly try to fill my free time with social things to not feel alone, but I really enjoy being in my own company these days and never feel lonely anymore, even if there are times I want to be social. That took a lot of introspection, but I'm much better for doing it now.

Dealing with the emptiness of losing someone close is the harder bit here... I'd argue that again, you should try to embrace the pain rather than find ways to avoid or silence it.

First understand that one can replace the person you loved. Even if you find someone new, they're not the same person and will not replace your loss. This is why going on dates and trying to find someone new cannot work and if anything will only make you feel more empty and lost in most cases. You need to find ways to come to terms with your loss while not letting it control your life or overwhelm you.

I've been depressed for the vast majority of my life and I want to die almost every day, but for me it's quite manageable because I've learnt how to allow that pain be there without controlling me (more or less anyway – somedays can be hard). In my opinion medication, drugs/alcohol and other methods of silencing the pain don't work well long-term. You simply have to learn how to manage your mind.

My advice would be to go for a walk with your dog, not to avoid the emptiness you're feeling, but to embrace it. Go out specifically to experience how much it hurts going for a walk without the person you love by your side. Be really inquisitive about all of the emotions and thoughts that appear in your mind, and slowly learn how to come to terms with them.

Please don't take this as me suggesting you should come off the meds, but I do worry about you being on a cocktail of drugs to manage a natural human emotional response to loss. Keep in mind meds can also make you feel empty and unmotivated, but more importantly they're not much better than substance abuse as a means of coping with pain in my experience – prescription meds are just the socially acceptable way to do it. People will say, "yeah, but they work", and that's true of course, but it's also the problem. I can say from experience that alcohol extremely well as a way to manage emotions... But ultimately these are not good long-term strategies for dealing with emotional pain - assuming you rather not be dependant on these substances. But maybe you don't care about that, and that's fine. I have my reasons for feeling the way I do so can only speak from my own perspectives as someone who has struggled with the emotions you're feeling and nearly allowed it to kill me as a result.

Best of luck. At least being human is interesting, huh?

I have been through the exact same thing at the same age.

I'm 40 now.

The last two years, I had to learn how to be alone with myself. How to deal with the ups and downs, and frankly, it was the most difficult yet the most growth I ever had in my life.

I am kind of put off by your description of your psychiatrist.

No, it's not a great psychiatrist when they subscribe you drugs to "fix" things. Drugs should be the very last resort. A psychiatrists' role is to help you with self debugging your memories and to help you put them into a context that you can understand easier. They should be a guide for dealing with emotional trauma and help you process and understand the loops that make you feel helpless, and to help you understand the moments that were out of your control.

Please, OP, find a psychiatrist where you feel safe to share, and that helps you to deal with the emotional loss. Swallowing it up because society expects you to be a "man" is unhealthy behavior, and carrying over trauma into your next relationship is unfair to the other/next person in your life.

Other than that, my advice would be to write a list of things you always wanted to do. And just do them. Find out what you are passionate about and what makes you happy.

Find a sport to keep your biological machine maintained, and find the thing you care about the most. There is a lot of problems in our society to get involved with. If there is no community around the things you care about, then found one and invite others to join.

You are not as alone as you think, you just stopped reaching out.

You should travel, the whole point of being remote is to enjoy life without being tagged to a location, since you have pets depending on how comfortable you are with them being in hostels you should definitely be traveling a lot more and then be able to meet folks and have a more filling life, start local and then go abroad often

Converse: How to not be alone without putting up with people you shouldn't?

I love being alone as long as I have a couple of the friends to talk to a couple of times a week.

It's actually my ideal setup.

However I'm lucky enough to have some friends I can just chat with occasionally which makes all the difference.

When I was truly alone it was rough.

I feel like making friends is somewhat of a part-time job at first. You just got to do whatever you can to get around people.

A warning: predator type people can also sense vulnerable lonely people so don't just make friends with anyone who will be friends with you right away. Be vary careful and if you get a sense that something isn't right don't let the pain of loneliness override your safety.

Go to where the people are.

Volunteer your time .. animal shelters, food kitchens, trash cleanups, habitat for humanity, or even just drop in to a nursing home .. there are tons of people that would also love to talk and share.

I live remotely in a very isolated area and work remotely (no slack, just email). I live with my partner but she is in town for work during the day. I go to town a couple of times a month. Before COVID I had an office in town but realized I don't need it. I've lived here for about 15 years.

Initially I was lonely occasionally during the day but it went away. I'm now perfectly comfortable with no human contact except comments (like this) on the internet for very long stretches. My girlfriend went on a 3 week trip to visit family last year and I visited town twice and saw a friend once during that time and had one long phone conversation with a brother. It was a perfectly comfortable 3 weeks. I don't play video games.

I'm not recommending this way of life. It's probably more psychologically healthy to have people around and so I have to recommend trying to rebuild social connections as you can, but the point is for your situation, it gets much more comfortable as time passes. I don't want to say "it's all in your head" but something along the lines of that sentiment is kind of how it works I think. You do need something to do, a reason to get up in the morning. I garden and keep animals.

Board sports. Longboard, skateboard, surfskate, etc

Leave your house every single day and don’t go back home until you’ve talked to 10 people you don’t know. Say yes to any social invitation you receive no matter how much you don’t want to do it. Never flake on anything.

Depression will make you want to be antisocial, but positive social situations are good for your mental health so sometimes you have to force yourself into it. Exercise is very good for your mental health, and I think part of your issue is working from home. Take vitamins because many people are deficient in them — B will give you energy, C better immune system and D will help with your mood and sleep. It is good that you have pets, because they are company.

I would say that hobbies are a good shout. Especially those that result in the production of something physical whether it is a knitted item, a wooden thing or whatever. Also very good to take up a musical instrument. I was put off music for decades but am finally playing something.

Online socials are no real substitute for meeting in person. I've learnt that the hard way. If you want socialisation, then consider night classes (especially spoken language since they are interactive), writing groups, and joining societies. If you are religious, consider joining a congregation (mileage may vary so shop around), if not there are atheist groups that do meetups and secular sunday services etc. If you need to, take the initiative and start up your own group. I have done this for nearly four years now and it is still working well.

Get out into nature, not just manicured parks and artificial environments.

You need a therapist - someone to help you through.

I had a very positive experience volunteering in retirement homes. The work mostly involved talking with the residents. Many of them often have no one to talk to and very little happening in their lives, so almost any conversation is interesting to them. You can learn a lot from them, have someone genuinely interested in you, and do a good deed at the same time.

reinvest in your relationships with friends and family. they may have been neglected during your relationship.

I have the opposite problem. Spending time with people is difficult for a few years now. Even though I was born in the west and have only known this world. Now I will be leaving the west soon.

Something I’ve wanted to do for reasons for 1-2 years. I will usually say it’s because of my finances/possible recession. That is a helpful practical benefit. Reasons due to a series of life events that “broke” my worldview during and right after the pandemic causing this [purposeful] loner situation are the actual reasons.

I wish I didn’t feel this way. It sucks never wanting to talk or hang out with the remaining people I am in touch with.

Well it sounds like you miss this other person. If they're still alive I would probably try to talk to them, explain your feelings and and let them know you want them back.

If the person is no longer alive then you need to allow yourself to grieve. You can allow yourself to revisit past times in your mind. You can keep their memory alive in your mind.

If the person broke up with you and doesn't want to get back together then try to focus on their negative personality traits. Nobody is perfect and you can surely find things that you are glad you don't have to put up with anymore. Focus on those things. Worst case, focus on how badly they treated you and reflect on what it says about their character... Maybe that will make them look less appealing. My experience is that when someone mistreats me (or others) in any way, it creates a natural deep dislike for them. Maybe focus on that.

Life is rarely fully comfortable. You're almost always dealing with something. The key is to not focus on the things that make it worse.

> Everything feels hollow now

I feel the same way sometimes (most times?)

> In many ways it feels like being imprisoned, except at least in prison there are other inmates to socialize with. "Solitary confinement with internet" is probably a better analogy.

To me this feels more like shouting in the void type of feeling at times. Like no matter what I say on this forum or that, the chances of real change from it stems unlikely :/

The world is in a depressing mood right now so I'd recommend to shut off news for some time if it troubles ya (genuine suggestion) and my friend, use a hackernews filter to block news related or AI related things as well. I suppose, just have some interesting cool facts that get shared on HN or something cool tech related! (I need to follow this...)

Another point, Just take things slow. Human mind desires intimacy and friendships and our brains are simply not designed for isolation for the most part. (I had written more part but it just felt like talking what I was feeling which was good to write personally but would've been hard for others to read and maybe get something nice out of so I have removed it now)

So what I am saying is:

1. have patience with yourself even if it feels hard, you are doing great by talking with us as I am telling you that you aren't alone in this struggle and I want you to please just do small steps towards just interacting with people in a more positive light. Maybe make the spirit as tomorrow's gonna be a brand new day :D

2. Use study-together Discord server (This is something that I personally used) or any place essentially where you can find people who are working when you are working and some of whom are relaxing when you are relaxing. This allows some talks in middle of just normal stuff. Maybe there can be a work-together community too I am not sure.

Anecdotally, I have found the idea being that this problem is within us. This is actually good because we can actually solve the problem (to some degree) and we have control. The freedom is also scary especially for someone like me who lacks discipline/patience at times but yeah.

Recently I had felt so alone in my head like completely alone sometime sort-of and then I had a marriage of my cousin and within just 3 days, I felt so connected. I danced so much that I lost track of my breath or even what's going on. I just danced :D, Perhaps there can be some event where you can just give every part of frustration into something external and feel happy as I did with my cousin's marriage? [Not that things are doing extremely better now but for short term, it was so absolutely good]

A lot of that joy came because like, I was myself and people appreciated me for it. Like even in hackernews or like whatever idk, I try to be myself but still feel short sometimes. Like the idea of greed even maybe of wanting more but I don't think that Internet or IRC can completely substitute but rather alleviate in the sense of making friends.

I am experimenting with some new things on the internet though. Anything which makes me feel passionate actually.

Another Idea I wish to say is that perhaps you are trying to replace the intimacy with Internet or Gaming or any hobby. That's completely okay and I have sort of done that but I have found some sort of same feelings as you lingering when I try to do that. I think they still linger and some feelings of acceptance , as harsh as it sounds feels like the stoic way to approach. These are your feelings tho and you are correct feeling them but just acknowledge them and try to co-operate with them and work with them and maybe you can figure something out. I am sure.

(I usually start these messages with saying I am 17 or something, but this time I'd rather end with saying it. So right now, I absolutely get the idea of high school sweetheart and so I imagine that and the situation that you are talking about 20 years later. That's almost my entire age, It's entirely true that its gonna take some time to adjust. It means that you cared, cared enough that you are bothered by its lack. You are human. Have patience sir and with the patience , try new things which make you feel alive. Not necessarily something risk taking but suppose even a good game of chess in real life with pieces moving and people watching makes one feel alive. Here's a hug and you aren't alone, I suppose everyone feels lonely online in some capacity. Connected yet disconnected. I am trying out some new yet old things on internet like sharing links) but that's not really the point to bring back some control but yeah. It's 3 Am and I have spent around an ~hour when I have a maths test tomorrow :)

I sort of believe that every generation has some loneliness when you think about it so I also think that there are people who are likely to give you perspectives and help you out who are far more knowledgable than me. I might have to go sleep now as I am unable to write anything which can be more useful for ya even though I have tried.

I wish you to have a nice day, sir

The onset of the pandemic in 2020 left me more isolated than I'd even been before in my life. I was single, I was working remotely, and the lock-downs finally killed what was left of my preexisting friend group. I have a naturally solitary disposition, but even for me, it was hard.

Here are some coping strategies you can apply right away:

→ Listen to podcasts, especially podcasts in a chatty & informal style. It really helps to just hear people talking. If you're looking for recommendations, I'm very fond of If Books Could Kill.

→ A lot of podcasts have Discord servers associated with them, where fans of the show congregate & talk. Sometimes you have to pay a couple bucks on Patreon to get access. These can be good places to go for a very easy, low-effort social space. You can keep it open on another monitor & let it serve as background chatter that you can dip into at any time.

→ Do stuff. Go to museums, go to movies, go to dinner. Some people have hangups about (e.g.) eating at restaurants alone, but you must overcome this psychological hurdle immediately. You will feel much more alive if you go outside.

→ Read a book. If it doesn't grab you, then set it down and start another. Beauty is good for the soul, and the wonderful thing about a paperback novel is that, unlike TV and movies, you cannot pull out your phone and multitask. With practice, you can stay immersed in a text for longer & longer periods of time. Eventually, a good novel will be able to eat up your whole weekend and leave you feeling great afterwards.

→ Start a journal. Without an intimate partner to talk to, it can feel like your head is heavy with half-formed thoughts that you just can't get rid of. Getting them down on paper is almost as good as voicing them to another person. The podcasts are nice, but spending all your time listening to podcasts can gradually teach you to be uncomfortable when left with your own thoughts. Keeping a journal helps you stay on good terms with yourself. I can't recommend it enough.

Now I'll get into some longer-term lifestyle changes. These can take a while to come to fruition and may require leaving your comfort zone, but they're worthwhile.

→ For me, there is nothing better for my mental health than a 90-minute park run on a breezy day in late spring. Even a 30-minute stint on a treadmill in the dead of winter will clear my mind. I don't know what your relationship to exercise is, so I can't really call this a quick fix, but think about ways to incorporate exercise into your routine in ways that you'll enjoy. Personally, I suggest running.

→ There's a broad stratum of fun social events designed for meeting people and developing shared hobbies. Pottery classes, choir programs, ultimate frisbee. You pay a couple hundred bucks to sign up, then you go to the event on Thursday nights and maybe get drinks with some of the other members afterwards. You won't be best friends right away, and you'll probably never get that close with most of them, but having a loose community like this is nice, and if you stay in contact with people after the course ends, you may take away some lasting friendships.

→ Undertake a creative project. I wrote a novel during the pandemic. It sucked, but I put a lot of time and love into it and I really felt like I did something. (The trouble with writing a novel, of course, is that nobody will want to read it. If you're smarter than me, you'll pick up something like painting, which produces stuff you can hang up, show off, and give away. Pottery and music I mentioned earlier, but I'll mention them here again.) Creativity is extremely fulfilling. It takes time to feel like you're producing anything valuable, but when you do, it'll mean a lot.

As weird or hard as it sounds, you need to embrace being alone. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to expose yourself to situations where you meet people or think about how you spend your time (may I suggest: limit internet/computer time). It just means you should enjoy the positives that come with being alone and avoid seeing it as a shameful thing you need to distract yourself from. Other people in other circumstances never get a chance to be for themselves and have the reflection and thoughts this allows for. You are with yourself and that is hard and frightening, but also a chance to come to terms with yourself. From your description it is pretty clear thst this is probably something you need to do.

Get something to care for, plants for example. If you need inspiration on a deeper level consider watching Perfect Days by Wim Wenders. Don't read too much about it before. It is one of those films that gave me a new perspective on things, may it do the same for you. To find joy in the simple things and go through your day in dignity.

> I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.

One of the things that has happened to be several times on different meds is a compression of emotional peaks and valleys.

The highs don't feel nearly as high but the lows don't feel as low, either.

This situation for you is going to take a lot of time to work through.

I wish you the best of luck.

Dating sites and online are not going to make you feel better so don't expect anything from that. 38 is young for a guy, and I met plenty of women in my 40s (in real life) who would have made a a good couple with.

I went through a similar experience with a high school sweetheart. I am in my thirties. I focus heavily on being a father now (maybe too much), and it’s extremely rewarding. I picked up guitar and took lessons, was introduced to a beginner cover band, and met friends through that. The gym is another big one. For me, exercise makes me feel better mentally in a noticeable lasting way. My advice is to pick up a hard hobby you really enjoy and finding places where people doing that thing would be.

Drop medication and go out. By which I mean meetup/join a club/choir/whatever you can tolerate or maybe even enjoy the activity on its own (to get company and not feel forced).

I have been alone for quite some time in my life, for various reasons.

Here is my advice

1. Don’t listen to people telling you that there‘s something wrong with you if you aren’t happy alone and that you need therapy. You probably don‘t.

If you aren’t able to survive a single day on your own, then you have an issue, but in general people are social animals and need talking to and touching other people on a regular basis to regulate themselves emotionally. Some don’t, but you don‘t seem to be one of them. (In my experience people who honestly enjoy being alone for weeks at end often got used to this in their childhood, for example by being single children. If you had a noisy, lively house when growing up you will always miss that.)

2. That being said it is still nourishing and useful to follow the tips for spending time on your own (cooking for yourself, going into the cinema) now and then. But don‘t expect it to magically fix your yearning for social connections.

3. Doing sports and going to the gym often is great advice, because sports generally gives you a more positive mood and a better outlook and it quiets down negative thoughts. But also keep in mind here that it will not replace social interactions and touch.

4. So the question remains where you get your social interaction from, and I suggest that you replace the single person you had with a lot of tiny social interactions.

None of those is going to fix your solitude on it’s own, but the mixture will enrich your life. If you do all of those things once per week, your mood will improve:

- Online dating and chatting with friends (but don’t expect anything to come out of it)

- Dancing classes (this is especially great because you get the physical touch component)

- Regular coffee/dinner dates (1-2 per week) with a friend, coworker or relative.

- Going for a walk and talking to a random stranger

- Singing in a choir or similar hobbies

- Going to pubquizzes or free to join community walks

- Commuting to the office instead of doing home office.

5. I won‘t argue against your psychiatrist, but I find that medication is only useful in a minority of cases. Both anti depressants and anti anxiety meds can actually reduce your motivation to go out, by mellowing you into a not-great-not-terrible dreamy state.

6. Don‘t start rummaging and contemplating your thoughts when you are lonely. Being lonely makes you weird: https://arstechnica.com/science/2023/07/lonely-people-see-th...

By rethinking everything about yourself and your relationship to the World as a whole.

I live alone with a hermit-like lifestyle (even though i live in the middle of a big city) and so perhaps my advice may be of some use.

Read Philosophy, Read Psychology and orient your entire Worldview accordingly. This is very important; you cannot choose solitude while thinking and longing for external socializations/validations. Self-Denial and Self-Control are the key attitudes to practice. A complete framework/discipline like Patanjali Ashtanga Yoga is a good one to follow.

Keep Body Active, Maintain proper Diet and Sleep. Whenever you feel down/depressed get out and walk (or do any physical activity). Become aware of what in the environment triggers your "loneliness" and consciously move away from it.

When you go to the grocery store/coffee shop/restaurant/etc. converse/joke/laugh with the employees/customers there since that is your much needed essential "socialization" fix. Understand how the self uses social-surrogates to satisfy its social needs eg. social media.

The key idea is that you limit socialization/interaction to the absolute essentials i.e. to that which is impelled by nature.

Also Mind and Body are one and so problems can be solved by approaching them via both avenues. This is why motion/exercise is so good for the mind.

Cultivate total Zen-like "mindfulness in the present" so that your mind forgets the self and is fully occupied in any activity you are engaged in which could be as mundane as house-cleaning/dishwashing/etc.

Live in the present, with your consciousness externalized momentarily but without any effort; when the mind stops linking itself to the past and to the future, it becomes no-­mind. If from moment to moment your mind dwells on what is and drops it effortlessly at once [just before moving on to something else], the mind becomes no-­mind, full of purity.

-- Yoga Vasistha

PS: Some of my previous comments which are relevant here - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=40978488 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44987175 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41538322 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29777785 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=32918811

Oh, man. I feel you, i feel you so much.

I’ve gone through pretty nuch the same.

First things first… it’s gonna take time, to start feeling life normal again. It’s better if you already know about this beforehand. For me it was 1.5-2 years ago.

Talk to a psychologist. It’s good to be able to talk to somebody that is literally trained in helping you go through the pain of the trauma.

Go to the gym. It’s almost a meme, but trust me it works. It fucking works.

Start dieting along with the gym. Trust me, seeing yourself thinner and more tonic does help a lot.

I’m not sure what to advice about dating. I tried to date at the beginning but i quickly realised i was just trying to fill a void, and that just doesn’t work. Nowadays i managed to find my equilibrium, still single but i realised i got much more picky regarding women.

Do social stuff. For me it’s been a language course for a while (underwhelming, to be honest) and nowadays piano lessons.

Btw: stay away from the dating apps. They just don’t work, it’s an awful waste of time.

Good luck man!

Just for some perspective, it could be a lot worse.

Some of us:

- don't have a psychiatrist

- don't have medication or healthcare

- work remotely but their client often doesn't check in for days or over a week

- when they do they always mention they are extremely busy and only have a few minutes to talk

- are working overtime for outsourcing wages to just barely scrape by

- client usually fails to read messages and barely reviews work

- when client wants something like Sesame TTS for a big presentation in less than two weeks and you give PersonaPlex as an option and manage to build a whole fine tuning studio in a week and integrate the moshi fine tuning into PersonaPlex and create a LoRA that proves it can be trained for outgoing calls and for his specific use case.. but it is overfit and sounds rough and so instead of letting you do a few more iterations of tuning parameters etc. he instead tells you to start frantically generating more calls to look for good demos, even though the system has already been up and running for months and numerous audio files have been posted and available in the UI.. this making it impossible to complete the PersonaPlex demo on time..

- then when you spend all day going through old calls looking for good ones and create a zip file and he doesn't even see the message and when you remind him and try to manage expectations for call quality, he refuses to even listen to the files because he is too busy.. leading to a fight on the phone where you say the wrong thing and he suggests he might fire you, but in an ambiguous non-committal way so you don't even know if you are fired or if you are supposed to continue to scramble to complete 250 automated calls the next morning (even though the most done in a day has been around 100) or if that is a key task for his operation (supposedly was live data) or if it is completely unnecessary

- despite all of these problems overall has been one of the better clients in recent years

- has unresolved health issues

- does not have a dog

- does not have a cat

- lives in a small apartment where that's not allowed anyway

- does not have an IRC hangout

To be honest, there are a lot of levels of misery. And although it's valid to complain when things have gone downhill, from where I'm standing it looks a little bit like whining.

Although perhaps quite unhealthy, a lot of people cope partly with "parasocial" "relationships". In other words, watching the same Youtuber or whatever whenever they come out with a new video. I believe this profoundly reduces loneliness. Although obviously it's not an actual solution.

I believe that sunlight affects mood and everything quite a lot and so going outside or taking Vitamin D3 can help.

Whenever I hop on my Quest 3 there is always someone there to do Eleven table tennis with.

I think for me, for much of my adult life I've been in a state of poor health and poor financial situation and have actually avoided attempting to socialize because I feel I have to take care of other priorities before I can present to society in any confident way. Because people can tell that you are not quite well and don't have financial security, and they don't want to be around it.

>There are a few parts to the difficulty. One is that when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. I hang out in an IRC chatroom for that, but sometimes nobody's around for hours.

I wasn't necessarily gonna reply to this thread, but you struck a chord with me here. I spend a lot of time on IRC myself. I would say branch out to more channels and/or invite more people to your usual channel. I have some IRC friends I like more than others, but pretty much around the clock someone is around. The Finns, the Poles, the Brits, the Americans/Canadians, not to mention the NEETs and night owls with shifting schedules who could pop up at any time. Sometimes there are lulls and I'll write 20 lines in a row talking to myself, and maybe I'll have moments where it feels pointless or like I'm going crazy, but then one of the lads wakes up a few hours later and starts replying to stuff and everything is fun and exciting again. Find a way to stick out the lows, and make the highs more common.

As for no one caring, someone probably cares at least a little. Maybe they prefer to lurk, maybe they're busy, maybe they feel weird replying for some reason. There's probably someone who'd miss you if you stopped posting for a while. I know I find myself doing a .seen (bot command) on a handful of nicks throughout the day if they haven't posted in a while, or cycling through some saved quotes with the bot to get some conversations going again. I try not to spend all my free time chatting because I do have things I want to watch and play also, but IRC is hugely important in my life for sure, as someone who doesn't get out much, and frankly doesn't like to get out much either.

As for games, YMMV but after a long multi-year break from games, I found fun in them again by approaching them a bit differently. No more shooters (first/third person) since I think the genre is extremely oversaturated and tired, plus I played too many in the past, keep the game count per month low, aim to get all the achievements if possible, and if all is on track, switch games at the start of a new month. I basically deep-dive into every game that I decide to play and get to know it quite well. It's fun then to write a review at the end of the month as well. I stick mostly to games which are either singleplayer or still fun when played singleplayer. I do not want to play anything that relies on other people to be any good, there's too much room for failure. I try to avoid AAA or FotM stuff. I'll resist using the word but I don't play games like Peak or Lethal Company. I end up saying no to most games suggested to me, or delaying trying out a game for a few months because I'm in the middle of another game, or already have the next game or two picked out. I find this a lot more fulfilling than jumping between 10 games in a day, feeling bored and aimless, never finishing anything.

I don't know how you feel about anime, but you could pick out some seasonal anime and keep up with it as it airs. MAL and LiveChart have the season charts. Gives you reason to look forward to particular days of the week, and the shows all have clear ends, giving you lots of stopping points. Optionally you can read/participate in episode discussions afterward. Watching a really good episode of anime is one of the best feelings.

I have had very varying experiences with suggestions (or talking to someone) about these kinds of changes in life and how to deal with them. Most of the times what I have to say has been met with resistance (sometimes even some sort of resentment or confrontation, or a mix of the two). Why is that? No, not because I consider that they thought I was being a jerk or flippant. But because they had considered certain things undoable, or they didn't do them before, and didn't want to change that and hence when I suggested exactly those things to do in life (or in some cases 'not do') it was considered of no use, being repetitive, clichéd. Of course, by saying this as the leading text in my comment it might look like I am saying OP might be that, but I am not saying that. What I am going to say is - in such a case of OP exactly those things help, what many have actually listed below, and that's why they are cliched and repitive (again, because they work), and can be summed up as:

1. Physical activities as a routine

2. Going out (regularly but maybe not as a routine)

3. A physically engaging hobby that involves someone else and something tangible (besides the two mentioned above)

4. Pickup an intellectually engaging hobby (may or may not involve others)

I shall expand a bit on these (but this will mostly be a huge text wall).

By [1], I mean giving your body the physical exercise it literally "requires" (yup, for us humans it's not a choice, but many of the capable us don't do/get that). Gym is the easiest and helps a lot. Better still, pick up a sport - actually, what works best is doing the two, as one helps and accentuates the other.

If someone is looking for a short, readymade "first to try" list, here's one: gym, running, or/and a racket sport.

Very important: if you have the means and money, consider joining a coaching program to begin with. It's a game changer (no pun intended), and that includes a non-"typical gym-bro/gal" gym trainer.

The [2] is not "let's go out" kind of going out - but just physically stepping out (regularly!!) of your house or usual comfort zone spots - for walks, backpacking trips, travels, treks, camping, hiking, window shopping, attending plays, films in cinemas, puppet shows, bookstores, museums, music shows, comedy shows, get those perfect walking leather shoes for yourself and go around the stores trying to find that and be disappointed that the perfect hasn't been made yet (if you find it, then great).. and so on. You get the gist.

The [3] and [4] are somewhat similar, and I wouldn't regurgitate a lot about that. But just a few examples (you pick your own): for [3], learn to play guitar/cello/violin/drum/some shit/explore - do this under a tutor; and for [4]: pickup reading (may or may not be a reading group), world cinema (a cine club maybe), writing literature (for your diary, you don't have to plan to publish; though you can join a group for sharing if you want). Etc.

None of these is going to happen in a day. But you might not want to make these a months-long research and execution project either. Give it a few days to a few weeks. It's perfectly fine to switch, get bored, move from one to another, get frustrated, try something else, something entirely diagonal, and get disillusioned, but keep trying, keep exploring.

Saying it again, try to get trainers/guides/tutors/groups wherever needed or can. If nothing else, it helps with getting good at something in somewhat shorter time and helps you avoid unlearning a lot of basic things later, and since you are older (as in not a kid or teen), this could be a tad bit more productive, especially in sticking with it.

For me, the point of "how to be alone" is very different from "how to be lonely" (which I doubt anyone wants or hopes so, at least I don't). These engagements give you the bare minimum to sufficient human exposure without having to "socialise" and set you up to be perfectly fine being alone, at least in the short term, and slowly opening up paths for you, giving you some road to decide what turns you want to take in life over time and get back hold of things.

(From your story, it's clear I am not from your geography/culture/etc., so if something seems very weird/odd for you, please note where/why it might be coming from.)

Good luck.

I started going to tech meetups in the nearest large city. The tech scene is utter crap there compared to SF or Boston but I get to interact with a few smart, like-minded people almost each week. My wife says it's been good for me.

Marrying the right person helped. I'm quite in the opposite situation from you: I married for the first time in my mid-40s. I know what it's like to be alone, and to an extent I grew comfortable with it. Now that there's someone in my life, I'm all in disarray. That's not a bad thing, as I've been forced to grow to become worthy of this: two humans, six nonhuman animals, love filling the house.

It's tough, and I must admit the times I've lived on my own for any length of time weren't always easy. I've done it twice.

First time I realised I was spiralling a bit and looked for a form of exercise I enjoyed, which was cycling, and getting into that, doing long-ish rides every so often, it really helped my outlook, I got a little fitter and it made me feel more positive. There are also cycling groups in most places that you can join, that make it more of a social activity, some more relaxed than others. It doesn't need to be cycling, but some sort of stimulating activity is always good, even better if it can casually involve other people.

Second time, I just spiralled into drinking too much, too often, and it wasn't healthy. So, you know, I'm only so good at following my own advice.

You've already identified the cliches - 'get a hobby' being a big one, but the thing is they are clichess for a reason. If you can find something that interest you outside of the house, you'll probably naturally meet people while doing it.

You could look into volunteering things that are going on in your local community. My local community does a 'planting day' each year where volunteers plant shrubs and trees in an area undergoing regeneration. There's some light socialising, you're doing something useful, it's good for you. They do various other volunteer days throughout the year, and they aren't a big, regular commitment that way.

I love games too, but IMHO they're really good as respite from other things, not as a replacement for social interactions.

Humans are social creatures. We’re not meant to live alone. The advise suggesting we should be able to seems to me like cope. I think you’re barking up the wrong tree.