Easy to get wrong as well.

There's a balance with a DB. Doing 1 or 2 row queries 1000 times is obviously inefficient, but making a 1M row query can have it's own set of problems all the same (even if you need that 1M).

It'll depend on the hardware, but you really want to make sure that anything you do with a DB allows for other instances of your application a chance to also interact with the DB. Nothing worse than finding out the 2 row insert is being blocked by a million row read for 20 seconds.

There's also a question of when you should and shouldn't join data. It's not always a black and white "just let the DB handle it". Sometimes the better route to go down is to make 2 queries rather than joining, particularly if it's something where the main table pulls in 1000 rows with only 10 unique rows pulled from the subtable. Of course, this all depends on how wide these things are as well.

But 100% agree, ORMs are the worst way to handle all these things. They very rarely do the right thing out of the box and to make them fast you ultimately end up needing to comprehend the SQL they are emitting in the first place and potentially you end up writing custom SQL anyways.