How does BEAM renew my certificates, configure reverse-proxies, mount networked storage volumes to whichever node a given process is running on and handle cronjobs, disk pressure and secrets?

I sure hope it doesn't involve a bunch of shell scripts to create a new, ad hoc, informally-specified, bug-ridden...

Nah Kubernetes is a systems level, language agnostic (at least doesn’t force you to run Golang workloads) variant of J2EE. It’s basically modern day Websphere

Would you like to explain the similarity you see between them? Apart from both of them being designed for resiliency, I don't see any.

What is BEAM? I get, like, physical beams when I try looking it up.