Thank you for (re)writing this in your own voice. Despite how much effort might be put into methodology, data collection, etc.. reading slop is unbearable, full stop. It's not intentional, but I have almost a nauseated reaction when the "AI tone" comes though, regardless of how good the data or how accurate the writing is.

Your verbosity and sentence structure are not a problem. I hope that publishing this gives you a bit more confidence in your writing, because it's legitimately good.