You want to read more? Miss phone calls, meals, breaking news; forego an hour or two of rest; work on your core; replace all clocks indoors with sundials. Print. Scan. Pirate. Dig the crates. Sail the seas. It's not a technological problem. It's not a device problem. It's you. You don't want it enough. You don't want to read.

Maybe you should take up cycling. Maybe you need to write more. Maybe you aren't eating enough fruit. Maybe you need a little caffeine. Maybe it's the air quality. We don't think it's microplastics.

Your friends who read. Maybe it's their fault. They're not printing enough. Or sending enough screenshots. Why haven't you caught them outside on street medians reading out loud? To whoever. They're not setting for you the right example.

Audio books won't cut it. Hey big guy why don't stick one a them foam feet thingies in between ya toes while ya at it huh! And cut some cucumbers to recess the bags under ya eyes so people wont mistake ya for a guy who actually reads his books and will not following the family to their trip to Monaco this summer, no, sorry Donna, I'll be here at home with the books. The dog will have to learn to fend on its own as will the plants, your niece and nephew.