> I've spent a lot of time writing my own random queries. I don't know that I've ever written a stored function.

And I've spent a lot of my working life cleaning up after people who write random queries who then start blaming the database for being "slow" and insisting they need some sort of over-engineered Redis caching layer or whatever.

100% of the time the database is perfectly fine, but the query is slop.

Not saying you are one of them, but you would very much be in the tiny minority if you are not. ;)