Hug.

That sounds awful - sometimes pain is unbearable, and moreso because other people are so blind to it.

And the fear of things being worse if I try but fail to end it..

Often times, for me, it feels like surviving more than living let alone thriving.

I miss having good pain free uninterrupted full nights sleep.

What you feel is valid. And going through it in a new place, with no local support, makes it that much harder. I think most people would feel the same pain you feel, if they were in your shoes. I think most people would want someone to listen/care, too. But the burden of sitting with what you're going through is too much/too heavy, so people reflexively protect themselves from really seeing it..

It sucks, and I'm sorry.

Sometimes animals make better companions than humans through thick and thin... fostering comes to mind as a possible productive distraction from the pain, if that's something you might be compatible with. Though you didn't ask for advice (sorry)