The unbearable joy of sitting alone in a café

Too many negative comments here. This is just someone discovering something new and sharing it very excitedly.

Almost 6-7 years ago, I read about a 30min challenge to sit upright without doing anything in a chair challenge. That changed how I think about distractions. If I had written about it, there surely will be people who would just like here say... What is so crazy about it? I do that all the time...

To me, this post is someone's joy and curiosity shared through a well written piece. Everybody discover certain things at different stages of their lives. What's so bad about that?

Was able to bring a smile on my face. A good post. :)

I used to work in investment banking in the city of London and later in Canary Wharf. I loved working in the city as it was a beautiful old place, people were very social and having 2-3 hour boozy lunches with someone who you might do business with one day wasn't a rarity (mind you, I moved out before covid, I understand things have changed quite a bit).

Then I switched jobs and ended up in Canary Wharf. For those who don't know it, Canary Wharf is a newly built finance district in the London Docklands. If you've been to Singapore, Dubai, La Defense in Paris or Songdo in Korea, you know the kind of place. Everything is clean, new, modern. Everything has 90 degree angles. Everything has cameras, security guards and cleaning stuff. What it doesn't have is any resemblance of a real city, any organicity or soul.

I hated it. Every morning I saw the streams of suite dressed worker drones pouring from the tube directly into their office towers (Canary Wharf has a huge underground shopping mall/railway station that allows you to go from the subway directly into your office without ever seeing the sun).

I was unhappy. So I did similar things to the OP. I got up earlier and walked there. (I lived in Mile End). It was a nice walk along the canal for a while and then a not so nice walk through smog and traffic, but I didn't mind. I took my lunch outside on the remaining docks. And finally, I got up so early that I arrived an hour before work began.

I spent this hour in a Cafe. Alone. Having breakfast. I loved this hour. I sat there, as the only one not rushing in, getting their "strong capo", beeping their card against the reader and rushing out. I observed the grey and black dressed stream of people. I day dreamed.

It helped - for a while. It was a band aid before I left London all together and moved to Berlin. But most of all, it is a uniquely calm and joyful experience. It decelerates you. The boheme in Paris or Prague has long figured this out. Sit in a cafe. Enjoy a coffee or a glass of wine. Look at people. Daydream. Reflect, be enough - there's a lot to it.

I didn’t quite understand why sitting alone in a café makes you a weirdo (is it an American thing?), but the piece was very well written. We all should learn how to be without electronics for every now and then, accompanied only our thoughts. It is good for the soul.

I think the important part is leaving your phone and other devices home. Be alone, without even a possibility of connecting (apart from the old-fashione way of talking to an actual human being). People used to do this y’know? Back then.

Having kids allows you to somewhat similarly step out of your usual behavior patterns. Obviously not in the "I'll spend two hours watching someone move porcelain cups around" sense, but today I spent an hour standing barefoot ankle-deep in a muddy puddle holding an umbrella over my kid as they played with a Lego figurine and a plastic cup. I got soaked, but it wasn't too cold and if standing outside feeling the rain on your face, watching the clouds pass, and listening to the birds doesn't make you feel alive I dunno what does.

When Coffee People was just one shop in Portland, went there every day before work. (B4 internet or phones.) Loved the shop, but they played pretty aggressive rock. Not adverse to it, but first thing in the morning... Anyway was a regular. They played music via a CD player. I noticed they often silently mouthed the lyrics to the background music. Talked them into including a CD I gave them: Cecilia Bartoli "Heroines" (Rosinni). Over time it made it into the regular rotation. I noticed after a while the staff would also silently mouth the "words" being sung. Good times. Long ago.

You have to realize, that some folks were born in the age of super-information and immediacy.

When I take a picture, I get the luxury of immediately see what I got. When I wanted to hear some music, I can search it up, and hear an entire album in a question of seconds.

It's an incredible privilege to do that, but at the same time, we got so used to speed, that pausing can be new for us.

This year I had the opportunity to travel to Europe and just sit in a café, sipping coffee, just observing, and it also felt new and different for me.

I shot with an analogue camera because I enjoy the feeling of waiting for the results, not being able to see the results at the split of a second.

This blog resonates with me because I've been feeling I want to pause more, to create more memories, to be in the moment. I should go to a café without phones and a notepad.

For me this is the running I do. No phone accessible (still with me for safety). Just the repetitive sound of my feet and breathing, lets my mind wander and enjoy the isolation.

I struggled greatly with this article. There was something halting about it. Something precious. I felt that the author desperately wanted to elevate the mundane into the realm of the sublime.

I found myself annoyed.

I thought to myself "Are paragraphs a renewable resource? Is it wrong to waste them?"

It doesn't matter.

In neuroscience, there is a thing called the "default mode network" which is best known for being active when a person is not focused on anything in particular. The mind is awake, but at rest, like when you're daydreaming, bored, and have no goal oriented tasks. All sorts of neat stuff happens in this network, things like "shower thoughts", self reflection, autobiographical memories, thoughts about future goals and events, trying to figure out the people in your life -- their desires, intentions, emotions and thoughts. In boring situations like when I'm on the bus, or waiting in line for something, I'll spin it as an opportunity to spend time with the ole' default mode network. It's a good time observe people around you, as they're often completely engrossed in their devices. Occasionally I'll seek out other folks who are also chilling in the default mode network, and we'll sometimes share a knowing look.

I'm realizing the only time I'm not stimulated is when I'm driving or when I go for my daily walk. My mom was right man, it's these damn phones...

Lots of cafés and restaurant in Tokyo have seating designed for just one person. It's usually a cozy spot in the corner. It's not uncommon at all to go to cafés alone. Many people study, read, or just quietly sit. I feel like bars are a place where people go to socialize. Anyways, I'm happy for him. Some people never feel comfortable being alone. I personally view solitude as a key factor in my creative and personal growth. Even better when it's in nature.

I really enjoyed reading this. I can totally see where the author is coming from. I have a dog, and this holiday season my wife went away to her parents for a month and I was all alone with my dog. My daily routine was to just take him for a hike in the morning, workout in my basement gym, cook some breakfast then do some mundane activities at home then prepare cooking for lunch (always prepare extra lunch for the neighbours or the random friend that shows up at my door), then again take the dog out to the dog park and enjoy conversation with regulars and or new ones. Come back enjoy lunch, read some book, then around 4pm before it gets too dark, take the dog out again for a hike. Stop by at a friend's house or just come back home watch a Disney movie then read again until you fall asleep.

All this time, I would intentionally forget my phone at home and all my notifications except calls were turned off.

EDIT: I must say having a dog made a lot of difference, I don't know if I would feel the same being just alone. That might be an experiment for another time :-).

Unplugging and/or disconnecting is a skill. Read this post with a smile on my face because I do the same thing as often as I can.

This doesn't match my experience at all, starting from the beginning. Many go to cafes alone to read, work, study etc. Seating set up for this, including small tables and bars. That's one of their biggest draws. With large fluctuations, I estimate ~30%.

I suspect this depends on the location, given this contrast. It seems the Author might be from Delaware, USA? I haven't been to any coffee shops there. Maybe this is an exception? Of interest, it does not match my experience in coffee shops elsewhere on the East Coast (Va, NC, Mass for example). Not my experience in various European countries as well.

Lately I've found that cafes (and also some very popular restaurants) blast music at rock concert levels of volume. That seems to be a requirement to compete, for some reason. I waited at a cafe last year while my partner was at a meeting, and when I left (after about 90 minutes) my ears were ringing very loudly and that continued overnight. Not really a place for meditative thinking. The next time I had to go there, I brought noise cancelling headphones. I wonder what this does to the baristas who are there for many hours.

That's why it was so nice when I recently found a nice little mom-and-pop cafe that was quiet. I can't remember if there was music, but if there was, it was very quiet. Again, my partner was at a meeting, but this time I just sat and enjoyed my latte with no damage to my ears. I probably did look at my phone a few times. :)

If you travel solo, going to cafe's, bars, and especially restaurants can be a bit awkward. But also enjoyable. Mostly, it's just a mental block that people need to get over.

Some venues are really just not designed for solo travelers. You have all these couples and social groups having fun with each other and then the tables they give to social travelers don't tend to be the nicest.

This is annoying if you are hungry and not looking to get another fast food meal. But fast food restaurants are of course perfect for solo travelers otherwise. And there are lots of restaurant types that serve decent food in a bit informal setting where eating by yourself is not that weird. Other good options include hotel restaurants. Because hotels tend to have lots of solo travelers. The bigger the city, the easier it is to find nice places to eat by yourself generally.

Cafes are easier. Lots of people go there to have a coffee by themselves, work, read, or whatever. It's normal. The venue might not like the sub optimal use of tables though. But if it's not too busy and you tip well, they typically don't mind people staying for a few hours and perhaps reading or working on a laptop. I do this a lot.

I don't drink alcohol anymore and getting drunk by yourself in a bar can be a bit weird. Though depending on the bar, it's perfectly normal to have a drink by yourself of course. These days I tend to like to sit down after a day of sight seeing to have a few cold alcohol free beers. Lots of places where this is perfectly normal.

I've been traveling solo for a few decades. I can be quite social but I'm also fine not talking to people for days/weeks when traveling. It's not for everyone. I tend to prefer booking apartments and self catering these days. Going to restaurants for dinner is expensive and not really worth it to me by myself. But I'll have coffees, light lunches, and other beverages.

This article is kind of hilarious to read. This is my life since getting a dog (and I've been doing versions of it before my dog too) but this guy just discovered the way Europeans have been living for hundreds of years and wrote a whole article about it. I guess this is also one of the great things about the internet. Another person's mundane thing is another person's discovery.

I have noticed that the young 'uns are quietly rebelling against the way things are. This is another example.

OP is considering going off social grid as they understand it ... OK, dumping doom-scrolling and sitting in a cafe alone and being obviously alone and then looking around and noticing things.

That sort of "interaction" used to be normal. Having a billion people within ear shot was not normal until about 15 years ago.

I assume there must be a finite amount of anxiety from sole cafe trips.

I'm probably an above averagely anxious person, but after a few trips without disaster, it becomes a non issue.

I don't think about anyone at the cafe, unless I start chatting with someone. I just take a physical book with me, crack it open, and read as I sip my coffee. I keep a notepad nearby in case I have good ideas while reading. I may get a refill. When I've read enough, I leave. It's 100% relaxing for me.

I feel you.

> I decided to leave my phone at home

I used to do this too but soon I realized I wanted my phone for payments (say, coffee) and/or unlocking public bikes (like Lime).

Now I have 2 phones: - Phone A with my SIM, internet, payment cards, but unlogged from any internet account - Phone B, no SIM, usually connected to Phone A via hotspot, with email, messaging apps, logged into hacker news and everything.

When I want to take an offline walk/ebike-ride I only bring Phone A with me.

Would you block time for nothing?

My thinking is clearest when I am not working. It tends to be when I am: - Seated in a neutral place - My inbox is closed - There are no tasks to work on - I am free to think It feels like I am not doing anything, but often I’m making decisions I won't regret.

I think of it like this: - Input (reading, meetings, slack, other activities) - Output (creating, writing, executing) - Integration (doing nothing but thinking) Most calendars are packed with no time for the third.

Do you leave space for this? How do you make sure it’s not taken up by work? ~

Sitting in a coffee shop alone with a pen and journal is restorative time for me. No laptop, no headphones, no phone.

Another thing to try is to go to a diner alone. Same deal.

This author has never been alone with their thoughts before....

I take my lunch break every day and sit in a cafe alone and work math problems - it's by far the most relaxing, enjoyable part of my day.

The more accessible version of this, for me, is lying in the bath. The phone is out of reach and it's more effort than is worthwhile to get any props other than maybe a book I don't care about getting wet into reach. So there's just nothing.

In that situation I can usually last about 5 minutes before my brain says write that thought down, you'll forget it so forcefully that the bath gets cut short. Rampant unmedicated ADHD has a lot to answer for. So I can second the physical writing recommendation, if only because having a laptop in the bath is a really stupid idea.

It literally changed my life.

A decade ago I was working a boring job paying the bills in a small company. I honestly felt that despite being financially safe I was wasting my life. I didn't believe in the company mission and I wasn't gaining new skills. I was bored out.

I went to a cafe every morning for 30min BEFORE my actual job. I did whatever I wanted, meaning reading, writing, jolting down ideas, being productive or not, but the point was it was MY time to think.

This is so basic. I went with a notebook, a pencil, paid 2€ every morning for a basic black coffee... but what was special was having a dedicated time and place regularly to just inch at it, whatever "it" might be for me.

Well, fast forward ~10 years and I'm HYPED. I'm so excited pretty much every morning that I can't help for the next day to work on more interesting projects.

TL;DR: yes, go to the cafe, alone, for yourself.

We are destined to re-discover meditation: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=46353700

"So, I took long walks with my dog.

What used to feel like 10 minutes between breakfast and lunch while working became a full-blown day. Even though I was spending two hours walking my dog instead of a 30-40 minute rush, it felt like an eternity"

My dog has a way of slowing down time, although he won't tell me how. I think as humans we know what we expect from this other species, but they have a way of reorganizing the walk to suit themselves. I do it largely to bond with my best bud and get some exercise. He on the other hand goes out to catch up on doggy social media, with endless sniffing and donating further smells. Every walk is different - the route's the same but the sensory part is constantly changing. All this takes place, silently. We go back home satisfied but I know my boi gets the most satisfaction from it!

I used to do this so often during my university days. In today's attention-starved ecosystem, drift is such a luxury. There's this urge to fill the gap, with scrolling on our phones, impulse shopping online, or just opening and closing the apps. We've subscribed to the fear of missing out, of being out of touch, of being left behind.

Drifting is a way to push all that feedback in the background. It does not necessarily have to be a staycation at a cafe. It can be a walk in a park, a morning jog with a friend who's comfortable with your silence, a book reading session in the twilight. We need to slow down and relax to truly appreciate the pace of life, and drifting is such an awesome way to do it. Lovely post. It reminded me of good times in the past, and that I need to make time for them in future.

I loved to go to the movie theater just by myself. I am not sure what makes it more exciting to me. I haven't done that since I am married, but I should.

The only problem is, when you are alone and not looking at your phone, you tend to observe people around. But unfortunately, looking at others is seen as being a weirdo, while looking at phone is considered super normal.

Also, the reason people feel comfortable with dogs is because, you don't need to act or talk in way to impress the dog, while technically not being alone. You don't get this freedom while being with people, unless you are the boss of the gang. The lack of freedom is usually offset of by the benefit of sharing, laughs and a feeling that you have achieved your goal of impressing others.

Not that I want to be necessarily contrarian, but just a few months ago I decided to stop worrying about using my phone, and it honestly feels like the most liberating decision of my life.

There is nothing wrong with it.

I think that many people feel like their lives suck in some way that they can't define or explain, and they want something to blame it on, and their phone is an excellent target. It's relatively new. Of course it's the source of recent problems. It's CONVENIENT. You can do something about it by simply not looking at it.

Your phone is not the source of any of your problems.

That's a beautiful writing style. Feels like there's some Anthony Bourdain in it :)

I used to do this every now and then. I would leave my phone at home and take a book and a notebook to a coffee shop and sit and sip. I would read if I felt like it, or write, or just plain stare. I also chose cafes that were a hit of a walk away.

It was absolutely glorious. I got to think my own thoughts, get bored, get into conversations with random people.

I should do it more often.

I come from India. Many years ago I remember I was having a tough day and very less money on me and sitting by a busy road side tea stall along and sipping my Rupee 2 tea , looking at passers by and traffic. I don't remember anything more but that thought often comes to me randomly and makes me happy even after about 20 years. Life brings joy at unexpected corners.

Nice read, but the "Unlike most of my friends, who visited Japan in 2025." is funny to me. I go to a bakery/cafe next to me every day, before work at around 8am over here. And all regulars are there by themselves, and sometimes with their family members. Half of the clientele in almost all non-trendy cafes are solo sitters as well.

When I discovered the whole "doing things alone" stuff a decade ago, it felt like a pressure was lifted off me. It's been good. It brings me extra joy when I take people to places that I frequent as well, it just feels like I'm introducing them to my own little spots. Hope you enjoy more of it!

> It’s contradictory to sit alone in a café. It’s against the reason cafés exist.

Not at all. I've never been a huge cafe person, so I don't have much firsthand experience with this, but I do recall a time before laptops and cell phones when people would go to cafes to just read the newspaper or a magazine. Heck, some cafes even had the daily paper there for you to borrow if you wanted.

For a level-up, try it with (well behaved) dogs!

I spent much of my youth at cafe's alone an hour or two until someone I know comes by. Before everyone had cell phones, such places were used by us as a place to be, waiting to see who comes by, waiting to see what the world was going to bring. There is part of me that misses that way of being. But I suspect that it would be like video games. It sounds funner than it is, and so while I may buy a game or two, I rarely spend my time doing it.

To me, this story is one of a person discovering the freedom found by unplugging:

  On the second day, I decided to leave my phone at home, so 
  I lived those two hours to the fullest. I didn’t take any 
  device that could connect me to the internet or to other 
  people.

> I was sitting alone in a café with a dog

That isn't alone though. People are anxious to sit alone in a cafe because they think it's weird being all alone. But when you're with a dog - it's a different story.

Done that many times only never thought of writing a nice piece like this.

Certainly not with pen and paper. Lol that skill gone these days can't write a sentence I can read later.

If you are over 50 and live in Southern Europe this used to be a ver common way to spend an afternoon. Maybe add a newspaper and definitely a cigarette to go with your coofee. Very relaxing.

> a cup of americano with a double shot of espresso.

What is that exactly? A cup of percolator coffee with a double shot of espresso into the cup? Or a long black (a double shot of espresso filled up with hot water) plus two extra espresso shots? Or just a long black expressed in a complicated way?

Made me think of Tom's Diner by Suzanne Vega.

Go listen :)

I love to sit alone in a cafe - reading. Before smartphones I was reading newspapers or books. Now I read on my phone or tablet. While there, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just want to sit and read quietly.

> It’s contradictory to sit alone in a café. It’s against the reason cafés exist.

> They are designed as meeting spaces. There is no table with a single chair.

I'm so confused by this, because every cafe I've ever been to is full of people there alone. It seems to almost be the default, honestly.

I'm a bit surprised to not see mention in comments of "social vs sociable." There's often something nice about being around people that you're interacting with only minimally (sociable) vs being around people you're talking with (social). The shutdown in 2020 did away with a lot of options for"sociable."