No One at Waffle House Remembers FEMA Official Who Says He Teleported In

Increasingly hard to determine which are The Onion headlines...

Why would they? At Waffle House, that is just another minute between 0 and 59. But of course we are assuming that he teleported to the back of the line.

We have lunatics in my country. But they aren't running the government (as far as I know).

https://archive.md/qOnml

When you try and pass mental illness off as teleportation. It's called dissociation, Gregg.

I had a... weird night at the bar once, it ended early, I wasn't all that tipsy but if I kept going I definitely would have called the uber. I get to the gate and my keys fall to the floor of my car. The last thing I remember is thinking "fuck it."

I wake up the next morning in my bed, feels like a normal morning, but I can't find my keys. After scouring my apartment for half an hour, I get the feeling to go check my car, where the keys I would have needed to buzz into the gate, the building, and the elevator were waiting for me right there on the floor of the passenger side seat.

I don't know what's weirder, that I managed to find my bed without my keys, or that sober me actually listened to the urge to go back down the elevator and check my car.

(Comedy writing mode ON):

SNL's Stefon character: "This one has it all... Waffle House, FEMA, breakfast foods, federal emergencies, waffles, emergency preparedness, eggs, teleportation, bacon, black helicopters, hash browns, angry men in combat fatigues talking to God over 2-way radios, George Carlin, grits, syrup for the grits, toast, military communications, orange juice, armageddon/end-of-the-world apocalypse themes, milk, coffee and other breakfast items... all for a very reasonable price!"

:-)

(Comedy writing mode OFF)

Who amongst us has NOT had a little teleport at 2am? /s