alt Hacker News'Grey Rocking': The Life-Improving Power of Being Really, Really Boring (2021)
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From experience: it works, and can be an effective tactic when no other options are available.
Long-term, it can be hard to sustain, and maybe a bit unhealthy – it becomes a form of self-betrayal, where you repeatedly suppress genuine negative feelings about dealing with someone difficult. These feelings are there for a reason, even if expressing them with the person triggering them would be counterproductive.
Also, in more extreme cases, the sort of people who are prone to creating drama and conflict pick up on the technique and make it into a battle of wills – who will break and give up first. And they may be a lot better at it than you are, because for them it is a central feature of their personality, and for you it's just a tactic for immediate relief.
I like the idea of a Yellow Rock, still shining, smiling and being the positive old self, just giving absolutely nothing in return for toxic behavior... In my situation, morale improved across the department and the mental beatings came to an end.
Grey Rock method worked against a particularly toxic work conflict that was keeping me awake at night... but... the reality was that it produced zero work results for any of us.
I had a difficult family member who used to give drama, telling intense and fantastical stories. My go to word just became a simple ‘Yikes’ and then silence.
After a while they tended not to talk to me at family functions.
I use it when dealing with over-sharers or people who are after a reaction and attention.
Grey rock is a very valuable technique, but also often a symptom of having low boundaries yourself. It can be exciting to have the attention of a grandiose person at first, but having people you can't say no to is a huge problem.
Anyone having these sorts of people problems I would highly recommend https://youtube.com/@DoctorRamani
Doesn't this just lead to being steamrolled on every decision or would be conflict? Seems like it would work if the person is addicted to drama but not if they're happy to simply use you.
To me it seems like the crux of the technique is "don't engage in drama" but making yourself lesser to do that seems problematic.
I've found this helpful for getting along with family who I know wouldn't like certain aspects of my life but for whom going no-contact is more trouble than it's worth.
"How's your job?" "About the same. Still just working with computers."
"Any girls in your life?" "Nah not really. Hard to meet people these days."
"What kind of music do you listen to?" "Whatever they play on the radio I guess"
"You go to church?" "When I can"
"Who are you voting for?" "I haven't thought about it too much. Who are you voting for?"
Answer the question but reveal nothing and they have nothing to pry at. Worst case, turn it around and let them talk about themselves for awhile. Throw in a "Uh huh," "Oh man," and "I'd never thought about it like that" every few minutes until it's time to go.
I can say from experience, years ago, that this doesn't work as a kid in school.
If this article resonated - I highly recommend Bill Eddy and his books and podcasts. He does a good job on providing nomenclature - 4 or 5 cluster B personality disorders which he tones down to "high-conflict person" and patterns on dealing with them.
And what do I do if I am already really, really boring as heck?
I worry this idea is being taken up as the next trend in our societal descent into antisocial avoidance.
Could it be useful if cornered by a predator at a bar, or a technique for dealing with racist grandma you can't otherwise engage with? I guess. But more likely this will be co-opted as an excuse for being unresponsive to their partners, friends, co-workers, etc., shutting down communication exactly when it is most impactful.
Be warned this is NOT a reasonable way to engage with the world. I dread a future where this is normalized into a real world form of ghosting, which is already a terrible trend turning everyone into avoidant turtles.
It is harmful to both parties - they don't know why you avoided them so they can't fix anything, and you lose assertiveness and the ability to handle any level of discomfort. And as a society we grow more and more disconnected until we simply stop breeding, like pandas.
It's also a tactic to use when bullied, but you need to be aware that this is what is happening and take other steps to stop it. Bullies will use any emotion you display against you. Happy about something? It's dumb and so are you. Sad about something? You're pathetic. Becoming an expressionless rock is a viable way to cut off that particular avenue of abuse, although they will likely find others.
If you find yourself doing this out of self-defence with someone, they're likely a bully and you should do your best to cut them out of your life. Rocks can still be pissed on. Another thing to be wary of is that, if you spend too much time grey rocking, you might become a rock to people who are kind to you.
Bottom line, if you need to "grey rock", you have a problem that might require a better solution.
I don't really get this framing. You can not engage with drama and also not be boring or use this label. So maybe just do that?
I have a lot of experience with this, and it sucks. But it works. People will learn to stop expecting things out of you that don't happen. And once there's nothing left for them, they will lose interest completely.
Bless your heart, back home we call it southern hospitality.
What a dramatic way to describe not participating in drama.
Give it a name, capitolized even, and exhort to embody being less flappable with all your might.
It's kind of like how religious people can only conceptualize atheism as the atheist religion.
It's goofy.
Next there will be GreyRock Scrum Masters to teach everyone the Principles of not taking invalid things seriously.
Some prepubescent edgy Cosmo writer somehow got published in Esquire (alas just about everybody’s standards have slipped), so good for her - but it’s impossible to get through this type of writing.
Adjacent to this, my life got immeasurably better when I stopped trying to prove myself to everyone. I always tried to share my ideas and opinions in every meeting. I was obsessed with trying to "read" people to figure out their unspoken priorities, what made them tick, trying to predict what they would say and do next, and match my actions to elicit their approval.
What a huge goddamn waste of time that was.
It got to a point that to preserve my sanity at work, I kept my head down, did the work that needed to be done (whether assigned or not), stopped going to meetings I didn't care about, and stayed mostly silent in all others. All the while dreaming of a new career or early retirement. But then a strange thing happened... It turns out that if your reputation is one of quiet confidence, people start to actually listen. They assume that when you do talk, it's only going to be about something important and worth hearing. Instead of co-workers on other teams trying to throw their work over the wall at you, they begin every innocent question with an apology: "hey, I know you're super busy, but I was wondering if I could bug you real quick..." Borderline indifference is so far my favorite superpower that I've accidentally discovered.