I frame it not as turning a dial down, but as switching channel from practical problem-solver to emotional problem-solver.

Often when someone wants to talk about a situation involving difficult feelings, they're actually trying to process those feelings: to understand where the feelings are coming from, to be validated, and to be able to take a broader perspective.

You can help by being curious about what they're saying, reflecting it back to them in your own terms, explaining how what they're feeling is understandable, and offering context or alternative viewpoints. These are actually complex problem-solving skills, although they can all fall under the umbrella of what people mean when they say "to be heard".

As a man, I've realised that once my emotions feel validated and accepted, I relax and the practical solutions just pop into my mind.

I've been in therapy for over a year and one of the most valuable things I've learned as a fellow "problem solver" is to run through the "three H's" when something comes up:

1. Do you want to be Helped? 2. Do you want to be Heard? 3. Do you want to be Hugged?

I'm still trying to get in the habit of using this approach more often with my partner, and as I do, it has noticeably improved our relationship. It turns out most of the time, she just wants to be hugged.

> It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution.

This can become toxic in itself, though. Some times venting and being angry is what someone wants to do, but in a workplace environment that’s not a good thing to implicitly condone and support.

I’ve had some team members who just wanted to vent but not discuss solutions and (again, in a workplace, not personal relationship) it was a sign that something deeper was amiss: Being a perpetual victim of their circumstances and believing those circumstances were beyond their control was a safe, comforting place to exist. It was always easier to build up excuses that problems were thrust upon them by others, who could be held solely responsible for the results. In some cases I had to be very clear that they were responsible for working with teammates to address these issues together, not become a passive receiver of everything that happens with their peers.

Swooping in as the hero to solve everything for someone else isn’t a good solution, but (in a workplace environment) getting someone to switch from the passive victim mindset to the active mindset of engaging with their own problems is very important.

This is one topic where carrying advice from personal romantic relationships into the workplace isn’t a good idea, IMO.

Good point.

Tangentially, you could ask: Are you addicted to being useful or to being recognized as useful.

One is your own need, the other often a covered contract where you lash out or silently resign if you don't get the recognition that you think you deserve.

I'm probably your wife.

It could be related to the personality trait of how much of our world model is "in our mind" vs "out there":

If I speak with you while working on the world model in my mind, it looks like I just "want to be heard". But your feedback is actually very important, it's just that it should only feed my mental world model.

I am then surprised that my math coprocessor reaches for the GPIO.

I learned this from the show Parks and Recreation. Ann is pregnant and trying to vent, and Chris is looking to solve all her problems. This drives her nuts.

Clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdA8QNTqn-A

> I tend to need to solve All The Problems before I can do any self-care

I can so relate. I once read something that shifted my perspective a bit and helped me start the work of learning to better care for myself.

It was basically somebody talking/writing about the safety instructions when taking a flight. They tell you that in case of an emergency, when the o2 masks drop down to first put your ownmas on, before helping others. Because you are no help, if you loose conciousness.

This image/metaphor , to first put my own mask on, so that I can ensure, I will be able to help others without falling over, was what helped me start this process.

I sadly can't remember if it was Brené Brown or where I originally read that.

It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard.

I'm glad she managed to solve this problem in the end.

;)

Yeah one thing that came out of couple therapy with my ex-wife is exactly this.

After I started explicitly asking if she wanted “problem solving” or “listening” things improved significantly.

Ultimately things did not work out for other reasons, but I have been able to successfully apply this in a new long-term relationship.

listen, don't problem solve.

advice for every engineer, ever, lol.

(also related - do you listen, or wait to talk?)

I've fallen into this problem before, but theres an additional trap you should be aware of: You are not a therapist.

You cannot and should not just "listen" to problems that you're not allowed to work on or expect the other person to work on. You are an active member of this persons' life with your own point-of-view and emotional needs, not a dumping ground for emotional flotsam.

> It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution.

There is a great YT video on this topic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

It's not about the nail!

That has been tricky with my partner because many times she legitimately does want me to just handle the problem for her, and then you get into the fuzzy area where it is my job to interpret what she says and her job to communicate what she needs clearly and you are often left with an ambiguous conflict where both parties feel justified.

I do generally find it is easier for women to respond with empathy instead of solutions because there is no background expectation that they are capable of fixing a problem their male partner has.

Yeah, I am still learning to not be logical and fix whatever ails her. Often she really just wants to be heard, not solutions.

I am ~30 years old, hopefully I will be able to just hear, without offering any solutions. It bothers me too. I am a SWE because I love solving problems!

It's Not About The Nail: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

I usually ask if we're chatting if my partner is looking for any feedback/solution or if she just needs to be mad. It's pretty effective

Well said...I have discovered the same in my own marriage of thirty years. I would add that even bringing a good solution in a relationship can go unheard, especially if the motivation is to be the fixer, and to be honest make your own life easier by silencing the other's point of frustration.

I saw a show where the listener asks at the beginning of the interaction: "wait, do you want me to try to solve a problem, or just to listen?"

In fact being or feeling useful can be addictive. It goes beyond fixing technical problems. If I know someone is sad or in trouble for a longer period of time, I tend to check in regularly. I need to hold myself back, not to do it too often. The reason is probably the dopamine (or some happy neurotransmitter) effect that respectful or thankful people invoke on me. So it is the help<->dopamine transaction.

Super-relatable.

Now that I think about it, most of my advice starts something like "Here's what you're gonna do..."

Wait, that itself sounds like a problem, but how do I fix it...

Classic treatise on this topic: "It's not about the nail" (<2 min) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

> not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution

Relatable. Is true for even the simplest problems that some people have.

Sometimes they just didn't even address it yet and are only becoming adequately aware of it and here you are spelling out a plan of action during a 7 min encounter in the kitchen.

could this be a difference in male/female brains ? talks implies action for men, while women want to communicate most and maybe plan to act ? just curious, it's an issue that has been mentioned everywhere all the time

I specifically ask my wife "Are you looking for me to help you solve this, or just venting?", because I automatically try to solve.

It becomes more challenging when the person is Carrie Fisher from When Harry Met Sally, “processing” the same information for years at a time. This is not a surprise. That he’s never going to leave her. You know the solution. You are the architect of your own stress. You’re torturing yourself for who? An audience of me?

I’ve watched that “you have a nail in your forehead” video again with the benefit of another ten years of life and it’s interesting how I saw what the women were saying the first time I watched it but on a rewatch it’s clearly making fun of her at least as much as him. You’re in the middle of a medical emergency and you want to just talk about it instead of calling 911. That’s a bridge too far.

And to think I always hated that trope in action and scary movies where the person wants to ask questions while being chased by a psychopath or a dinosaur. Compartmentalization is good - in appropriate doses.

The solution is to get a gambling addiction, a drug addiction, trouble with the law, or a healthy mix of all three.

Then your wife (or husband) will stop bitching to you about their problems, and start bitching to other people about their problem (you).

This is kind of typical situation with men and women right, they need their girl friend coffee complaint time, we guys need similar beer time, albeit contents vary wildly. At least what you write fits every ex-gf I dated, and also fits my guy-brain expectations and resulting type of discussions.

Part of the setup by default, but should not take decades to discover or reveal. Similar to how women experience stuff mainly via emotions, hence what was fine yesterday may not be today albeit factually nothing changed.

101 of each adult should be also figuring out how one works (and how doesn't) and optimizing with other relevant parties further interactions.